When I Thought My Depression Was 'Cured'


When I was diagnosed with depression, I’m not sure why I was so shocked. I knew in my own mind that I was depressed, but having the actual diagnosis carried so many other things with it. When I knew I needed something to help me with this deep depression I was in, I wondered, “How am I going to tell my parents? Will they be supportive or brush it off like it’s something I can just ‘get over’?” The anxiety was overwhelming.

After I learned my family was very supportive, I made an appointment with a local psychiatrist, and she immediately prescribed some meds. At that point, I was all for it; I just wanted something to relieve the deep depression I was in. To make a long story short, the medications were working wonders. Each time I went to see my psychiatrist, she increased the dosage until I was “maxed out” because that was what I needed. I realized that with SSRI medications (selective seratonin reuptake inhibitors), the dosage had to gradually increase to allow my body to get used to the chemicals. I really started feeling great! I thought, “Wow, this is really working. I’m finally cured.”

Well, not so fast.

When December 2016 came around, I was feeling down, and I thought it was just because of graduation stress. However, I noticed suicidal thoughts creeping back into my mind and feeling so extremely sad all the time. At the turn of the new year, I realized my medications kind of “pooped out,” or stopped working as effectively as they were. Was this normal? I didn’t know. But when my January appointment came around, I was prescribed Wellbutrin on top of my Paxil and Ativan to help alleviate the depression. The Paxil was working nicely for my anxiety, as well as the Ativan. However, depression crept back into my life and nothing made me happy.

People could take a look at my life and say, “She has a nice boyfriend who loves her, she has a supportive family, she just finished college with a bachelor’s degree, she’s going to job interviews, she has a brand new car… Others have it so much worse. There’s no reason to be unhappy.” You see, that’s the thing. Depression doesn’t care that you have all these wonderful things going on in your life. Depression takes over and makes you feel like those wonderful things will soon leave you or not work out in the end. Depression messes with you and can turn happy moments into deep sadness.

I have learned to accept my depression, as well as my anxiety. It’s who I am, and they are a part of my story. It’s not easy going through the treatments and thinking they’ll never work or that they’ll eventually stop working, but knowing my experience is unique from everyone else’s is what keeps me going. I have really good days, but I also have really bad days. I hope any of you reading this who do struggle with anxiety and depression and are on medication(s) realize that nothing is typical when it comes to these conditions. Finding what works for you takes time, and believe me, it’s worth the wait.

Stay strong, you can do this.

Image via Thinkstock.

If you or someone you know needs help, visit our suicide prevention resources page.

If you need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or text “START” to 741-741.

We want to hear your story. Become a Mighty contributor here.


Find this story helpful? Share it with someone you care about.


Related to Depression

Woman looking away, close-up

The Stages of My Depression

I don’t find work stressful. I don’t find education stressful. My home life is pretty great. Essay due next week? OK I’ll start that today. I can’t hit the target at work? Well, at least I did my best. And no one will shout at me for that — because I won’t allow them to. I [...]
An illustration of a ghost with its hands around its throat as it stands in front of a brick wall

To My Depression, the Unwanted Houseguest in My Soul

Hi there, I would tell you, yet again, to leave me alone, but I know you won’t listen to me. You are a rude and intolerable houseguest, and I am doing everything in my power to remove you from my home, my heart and my life. I am pretty sure you are well aware of [...]
making the bed

5 Ways to Undo the Damage of a Depressive Episode

One of the most frustrating aspects of depression is dealing with the aftermath of a depressive episode. Long after the episode ends and my joy returns, I find myself undoing the damage I’ve caused as a result of days, weeks or months of pain. Whatever happiness I feel gives way to shame and panic, so [...]
A dog with his head hanging out a window

How My Shelter Rescue Dog Ended Up Rescuing Me

Never underestimate the power of an animal to change our lives — or save them from depression and suicide. The shelter rescue dog that had been my companion for over 12 years died this July. She was not officially a service dog, or an emotional support animal, but she saved me from suicide more times than [...]