How the View From This Plane Window Is a Metaphor for My Depression
Here I am sitting on a plane, still five hours to go, so plenty of time for the mind to wonder and overthink, don’t you think? The view outside is quite interesting, and I managed in a way to relate it to my life.
Time to tell you what I can see… well to be, it’s fair not much. The view outside is empty, dark and numb, there is fog… a lot of fog that completely covers everything, even the plane wing. This is exactly how I feel at the moment: empty, dark and numb. I feel pathetic, like my life is just goes on, but I am not the pilot. I am just a passenger.
I feel this fog following me everywhere, hiding from me what I would like my life to be. As I continue looking outside the window I notice the light trying to stick out and be seen but not for long; the fog wins. The fog always wins. It’s so powerful and strong, not only to the air but to myself. It keeps me back from enjoying the things I used to enjoy and it takes away from me who I used to be. I am not myself anymore, and the longer it stay the more powerful it becomes, making it more difficult for the light to be seen.
Oh, fog, when will you go away? There is such a beautiful day outside, please let me enjoy it even just for a bit, even just for a minute, please… No matter how many times I beg it to leave it just won’t listen, and I can’t control it anymore. There is nothing I can control anymore. What is the point of going when you are stuck in a horrible place?
My face is trapped looking outside the window trying to find hope, trying to find a motivation to live, but there is none. How can I find the strength to continue living this hell? The view outside is so beautiful and so scary at the same time. We are above the clouds, and the shapes they make are so delicate and fragile. This is exactly how my emotions are, so fragile even the air can destroy them. I find myself changing moods really easily lately and I have become so emotional that I can get upset and cry even for trivial things like burning a toast a bit.
I’ve lost interest in everything, you know? All the things I used to love doing, I haven’t done them in months. Major pieces of me are missing, and no one even sees that I’m fading away. I am fading away… and there is nothing I can do about it. I am so tired of everything and so unmotivated for anything. So close to giving up, which scares me a lot to tell you the truth. I don’t want to give up, but I can’t continue living this hell either.
But still I have hope, which I gain from the people I have around me who love me so much. I love them too. I just wish this could come to an end or at least feel a bit better soon.
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Thinkstock photo by Yiu Cheung