Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder Survivors Are Not Weak
Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is anything but a weakness. It is our strength. It means that we kept going. Trauma is common. About six of every 10 U.S. adults experience at least one trauma in their life. Some individuals who have gone through trauma turn out fine, with little to no long-term repercussions.
However, a small percentage of people go on to develop PTSD. Does not speaking up make you weak? No. I didn’t speak up because I was frozen in fear. Like an animal in the wild, I “played dead” when an unexpected predator pounced on me as his prey. When I was molested by my 60-year-old voice teacher when I was 17, I knew nothing about trauma. I had no idea why all of a sudden I felt numb all the time, or why I couldn’t focus on school anymore. I kept going back to lessons, beating myself up for not being able to sing as well. I felt “off,” but thought there was just something wrong with me. I had no idea you could be traumatized by a situation that terrified me, overwhelmed me and felt out of my control. It also took me a very long time to accept a mentor and father figure in my life had violated our trusting relationship. I kept replaying the events that had occurred in my mind, telling myself I must have done something wrong — why else would he have done this? I must have instigated something… I blamed myself, convinced that no one could take advantage of me if I had not invited it. And then shortly after, circumstances like these would make anyone have a long-term reaction to trauma:
After 27 surgeries and six years unable to eat or drink, I learned that the body doesn’t heal in an instant. Stitches had to heal one by one. Neuropathic nerves grew back one millimeter a month. Learning to talk again took weeks. Learning to walk again took months. My skin’s yellowish glow from the IV nutrition I was sustained on took years to fade. Not only was there no “quick fix” to healing, there was no “permanent fix” either. Wounds reopened, I became accustomed to new “openings” in my body leaking at any given moment. I learned that the body is delicate, precious, but incredibly strong. My body never went back to normal. With no other alternative, I learned how to accommodate it and embrace it for its extraordinary resilience. I was shocked and saddened I could never get my old, unwounded body back. But what really startled me was realizing what had happened to my mind.
“Why can’t you get over it already?”
Not only had I woken up in a new body, I now had a mind troubled with anxious thoughts, associations and memories. When I finally started reading about the symptoms of PTSD, I was able to realize I wasn’t crazy. There were reasons why I was experiencing so many strange sensations — sensations that made me feel alienated from the rest of the world. For anyone who has experienced PTSD, for anyone who knows anyone suffering from PTSD, and anyone who can find this book, please read “Waking the Tiger” by Peter Levine. It was only when I read this book could I understand the “why” behind how “crazy” I felt inside — and I realized the only madness was the anger I needed to unleash — not anger I should be taking out on myself for being “weak” or taking “so long to heal.”
It takes a long time to heal after PTSD, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t push ourselves past that fear a bit more every day. After the countless medical invasions and flashbacks of sexual assault, I had plenty of triggers. But if I didn’t work up the strength to push past them — even if they felt uncomfortable and I would rather hide for the rest of my life in bed, free from all triggers — I knew I would never get back to the life I deserve if I buried myself in trigger warnings. So I did the work. It was tough as hell, with no easy way around it. And that took so much inner and outer strength, that sometimes, I wanted to give up. But I knew I was fighting for my life — not my physical survival anymore, but now it was up to me if I wanted to live functionally, or live free. It started with a little anxiety. Perhaps an overheard phrase might stir up a memory I thought I had repressed. But every day, the anxiety grew. Soon, intrusive memories, avoidance, dissociation and hypervigilance were controlling my life. I healed through finding healthy ways to express my emotions. I discovered art while stuck in hospitals. I wrote a one woman musical about it, Gutless & Grateful. I journaled thousands of pages. Creativity saved my life. I talked about all of that in my TEDx Talk: But, there’s something I don’t talk enough about . What was my greatest strength?
My mother.
I had my mother’s compassion through all of this. She was the pillar of strength who I trusted with my life, finally telling her I had been sexually abused for nearly a year. We healed together, because she looked up to my voice teacher almost as much as I did. Then, after the hospital, when I could finally eat, she held my hand every time I was too scared to leave my room, petrified by daylight after years of numbness. She lovingly cooked for me as I cried that food might kill me after years of having no digestive system. And she was there to tell me that life was waiting on the other side when I didn’t want to go on any longer. I had my mother’s support to get me through this. And my own. In life, we all heal through support. We all have strengths from different sources, in different ways, different means, different forms. You can call someone with PTSD struggling. I certainly struggled for a long time.
But do not call us weak. We have harnessed the strength of the human spirit to go on and on, weathering through an illness that not only you can’t see, but we can’t see either. We only know it exists and seems to dictate each living, breathing, numb moment.
But when we do get to the other side, it becomes a glorious gift of strength that now, we can see. And it’s something we might even be able to see and perceive a bit deeper than anyone else. It is our Post Traumatic Gift that is uniquely ours. As you read all of this, you might come up with many words to describe my story, and the story that many of us share.
What words come to your mind? Weak? I think not.
A version of this post originally appeared on Amy Oestreicher.
If you or a loved one is affected by sexual abuse or assault and need help, call the National Sexual Assault Telephone Hotline at 1-800-656-4673 to be connected with a trained staff member from a sexual assault service provider in your area.
If you or someone you know needs help, visit our suicide prevention resources page.
If you need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or text “START” to 741-741.
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Amy Oestreicher is a PTSD peer-to-peer specialist, artist, author, writer for The Huffington Post, speaker for TEDx and RAINN, health advocate, award-winning actress, and playwright. As a survivor and “thriver” of nearly 30 surgeries, a coma, sexual abuse, organ failure, and a decade of medical trauma, Amy has been challenged with moments of extreme difficulty. But, as an artist, actress, college student, and overall lover of life, Amy eagerly shares the lessons learned from trauma and has brought out the stories that unite us all through her writing, mixed media art, performance and inspirational speaking. Amy has headlined international conferences on women’s leadership, entrepreneurship, mental health, disability, creativity, art therapy, and domestic violence prevention. She is a regular lifestyle, wellness, and arts contributor for over 70 notable online and print publications, and and her story has appeared on NBC’s TODAY, CBS, Cosmopolitan, Seventeen Magazine, Washington Post, Good Housekeeping, MSNBC, among others. She has devised workshops for the Transformative Language Arts Network National Conference, the Eating Recovery Foundation, the 40th Anniversary New England Educational Opportunity Association Milestones Conference, the Annual National Mental Health America Conference, and others, and was this year’s keynote speaker for the Hawaii Pacific Rim International Conference on Diversity and Disability. To celebrate her own “beautiful detour”, Amy created the #LoveMyDetour campaign, to help others cope in the face of unexpected events. To creatively engage others in improving mental health , Amy developed a program combining mental health advocacy, sexual assault awareness, PTSD education and Broadway Theatre for college campuses, organizations and conferences, launching a Detourist Network, and Detourist Workshops to creatively fight stigma in society. “Detourism” is also the subject of her TEDx Talk and upcoming book, My Beautiful Detour, available December 2017. As the 2014 Eastern Regional Recipient of Convatec’s Great Comebacks Award and WEGO Health 2016 “Health Activist Hero,” Amy is a passionate voice in the ostomy community, founding the online community Fearless Ostomates, speaking for National and Regional WOCN conferences, and writing for the official print publication of the UOAA. Her presentations on alternative medicine, and patient advocacy and healthcare have also been accepted to international conferences on patient care, internal medicine, medical trauma and therapeutic humor in healthcare. As a playwright, Amy has received awards and accolades for engaging her audiences in dynamic conversation on trauma’s effects on society, including Women Around Town’s “Women to Celebrate 2014, BroadwayWorld Best Theatre Debut, and Bistro Awards New York Top Pick. Amy has written, directed and starred in a one-woman musical about her life, Gutless & Grateful, touring theatres, schools, festivals, conventions and organizations since it’s 2012 New York debut. Her original, full-length drama, Imprints, exploring the effects of trauma on the family and the healing power of creativity, was a finalist at Manhattan Repertory Theatre, and is currently in development for a full New York production. Amy’s collaboration with Beechwood Arts on “Resilience and the Power of the Human Spirit”, has traveled around the world, using her monologues, art, writing and recipes to express the life-altering detours and ultimately the invaluable gifts of her resilient journey. She is also a passionate arts advocate, a successful mixed media visual artist, a continuing education studio arts teacher, and an active member of the League of Professional Theatre Women, League for Advancement of New England Storytellers, Fairfield County Cultural Alliance, Theatre Artist Workshop, and several art guilds throughout Connecticut and New York. Amy is currently touring the country with her one-woman musical, Gutless & Grateful, her keynote presentations, workshops and signature talkbacks, which she has devised specialized versions for corporations, college campuses, survivors, healthcare professionals, and artists. She is leading mixed media creativity workshops to promote creativity as a mindset, an essential survival skill. Amy also offers creative coaching and consulting services help others navigate their own “life detours,” and prides herself most on ending each night with a gratitude list. Together, we’re stronger.
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