boy looking at a bug

Our “new normal” began the year my 10-year-old son was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. And, it was hardly “normal” at all.

Life at home was a whirlwind of long days and longer nights, helping calm our son’s manic states: dinners out and far too much money spent, my husband and I tag teaming, trying to console him and keep a semblance of routine in the house for him and his little brother. Restaurants often served as the only diversion that could provide a little peace in the evening, and no one had a spare minute to cook.

Bedtime was often spent convincing our son to go for a ride in the car; it was the only way to soothe him so he could fall asleep. Otherwise, he would continue cycling, which meant pacing and muttering or lying in his bed staring at the ceiling because his brain was stuck on something and he couldn’t force it to be “unstuck.”

It was a constant cycle: trying medication after medication, with side effect after side effect. We even put him into a partial hospitalization program for awhile. Both my husband and I frequently missed work days when our son’s regular school would call abruptly and ask us to pick him up because he was assessed as suicidal or he was sobbing because he was so depressed at school.

Our hearts were breaking in a million pieces while our son wondered what was happening to him — to his brain. “There can’t be a god. Because if there was a god up there, I wouldn’t feel like this. No god would ever do this to someone,” he would say. Or, “My head is so mixed up. I hate my brain.”

After a typical evening, we would all finally drift into an exhausted sleep. I would wake again at midnight, sobbing for an hour because I couldn’t believe this was happening to my sweet, sensitive, beautiful 10-year-old son. My husband comforted me with whispers during the night of, “We’ll get through this. He’ll be OK. I know he’ll be OK.”

I’m a special education teacher, and sometimes during the school day, I would cry in the bathroom for a few minutes and then quickly wipe my tears to put on a happy face for my students. A few kept asking, “Why are you gone so much?” so I finally had to let their parents and the school administration know we were having “family struggles” at home.

The holidays crept up on me that year, and in no way did I feel ready for them or have my usual enthusiasm. The only gifts I had time to find were for the few people who had spent endless hours with my son when he couldn’t make it through his classes. So, I was completely taken by surprise one morning just before winter break, to find an envelope lying on my desk with my name written on it. I tore it open, and a card was inside.

The message simply read, “We pitched in so you could buy something nice for your family this holiday season.” There was a crisp $100 bill inside.

Although there were no names on the card, I knew immediately it was from my friends (and colleagues) in the special education department. My heart was warmed by their kindness. I couldn’t believe they had put this together right under my nose and I didn’t even notice! I almost cried, but my smile was too wide.

At that moment, I could envision winter break as a peaceful island in the midst of our chaotic lives. I was grateful people cared that much.

I thanked them profusely.

“We know times have been hard. Just treat yourself,” they said.

I knew exactly what to do with this gift.

I planned an after-holidays overnight for our family at a water park, about an hour from home. It would help with the certain-to-be-devastating letdown following the excitement of Christmas.

I knew it would be a good time for a getaway. Time to forget about the reality of life. Time to take some real family time. The kids would be distracted with the water park and dining out. We could all float around in the water, relax, and forget about our troubles for a while.

That is almost exactly what happened. But of course, life is not a fairy tale, and there were bumps in the road on the trip, literally and figuratively.

I panicked whenever my oldest son would leave our sight. We stayed up too late, and our oldest woke at the crack of dawn, looking to us for entertainment. And he still had moments when he wanted to be alone, or I’d catch him with a sad, faraway look on his face.

But I mostly remember the good parts: the boys’ smiles and the feel of the wave pool, their faces as they shot down the water slides and were soaked by the spray; dinner and soda pop and family time, and watching movies in the room together. We roamed around and looked at ice sculptures and went on a real carriage ride with horses. We drank steamy hot chocolate after coming in from the cold. Barbecue was our comfort food, and it never tasted better.

I heard a noise I hadn’t heard in a while. It was the boys playing, shrieking, squirting each other, the sound of my oldest son’s laughter. It was a loud, uncontrolled laugh, a genuine “I can’t stop” chortle. That is my favorite sound in the world.

Although it was only two days and one night, it felt longer. For a time, my husband and I weren’t stressed out with everyday life, running around trying to make everyone happy. Our son was able to leave his troubles behind, and his head felt better, for a while. He played with his brother. I was able to take pleasure in each small moment because there was finally a string of small moments to take pleasure in.

I will always remember the generosity of my friends at work and the reason we were able to create those memories. We would never have planned that getaway, or even thought about it, if it weren’t for that gift.

Editor’s note: This story has been published with permission from the author’s son.

If you or someone you know needs help, visit our suicide prevention resources page.
If you need support right now, call the Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255

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I like to say I’m in recovery from my bipolar disorder. I’m stable, I have a job, I take care of my family and I’m able to function somewhat successfully in society.

I’ve probably been on this glorious plateau for about two years now.

What does recovery look like? It looks like you or me, to be honest. It looks like an average Joe going to work each day. It looks like your typical mum cooking dinner for her kids. It also looks like doctor visits every month and lots of pills. It looks like long hours on the couch with a therapist.

In the midst of this recovery, I’ve been a writer, and have blogged my journey to where I am now. However, I haven’t always been honest in my writings, which is out of alignment with my core values. I believe in being authentic, and telling the real story, no matter how ugly I think it is.

I’ve been a mental health advocate for several years now, and I know people look up to me for how much I’ve overcome. And since I know this, sometimes it’s been difficult to ask for help when I’ve started to decompensate. I don’t want to look like a failure, or no longer seem like a role model.

When I’ve gone the solo route, and kept quiet about my internal struggles, shit got real, super fast. There have been times over the last five years when I’ve quit my meds cold turkey, and well, I’m sure you can guess what happened. I ended up in the hospital after a suicide attempt. There have been times when I’ve felt the darkness, which is similar to the Nothing, take over me and take away everything good I’ve ever known.

And the worst part about these struggles? I didn’t share them. I kept quiet about them, like it was something to be ashamed of. I honestly felt like a failure because I had slid backwards. There’s no logical reason for that, relapse is always a possibility with bipolar disorder.

I never shared my struggles while I was in the midst of them. I only would share once I’d recovered and was stable. I feel like this is a huge disservice to others.

I should’ve shared my struggles as they were happening. That is what an authentic person would do. People need to see the dips of mental illness just as much as they need to see the highs.

I feel I can give hope to others if I’m struggling myself, yet I continue to reach out and help others.

I’d like to make a pledge. A pledge to be more real in my writings, and more real of how I’m actually doing. It’s not fair to the people who look up to me to only see the best I have to offer. They need to see that I’m human, with fallibility, and I can fall as well.

I think it’s just as important for people to see me struggle because then they get to see me rise as I regain control of my internal demons, and take control once again.

Who will join me in pledging to be a more genuine person in regards to your mental illness? Who will be more candid about their struggles, and more open about their demons?

Now, I’m not recommending you blast your story all over the internet (unless you want to of course), because you should only share your story with the people who’ve earned the right to hear it. What I’m saying is be more open with these people. Be more open in general.

You might be surprised at the connections you make with this new level of authenticity.

If you or someone you know needs help, visit our suicide prevention resources page.

If you need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or text “START” to 741-741.

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Is “coming out” as a person with mental illness ever a good idea? Is there ever a good time to admit you’ve got a mental disorder? And where? Should you do it in person? On Facebook? On a blog?

I’m open about being bipolar everywhere. I may as well wear a scarlet “B” for the world to see. The people in my real life know it, everyone on Facebook is aware, I blog and write about it, using my own name even.

I’ve seen this question asked many different times over the years and even though I chose to open up about it, I don’t think there’s a clear-cut “right” or “wrong” answer.

I do have some questions I’ve cobbled together that might help a person deciding whether or not to go public about their mental health. These are things I wish I’d known before I started blogging about bipolar disorder years ago.

1. Are you in a stable place of recovery?

I cannot emphasize this enough. Being manic or thoroughly depressed when you decide to go public will almost definitely be detrimental to your health. You will get stable and be mortified you decided to share such a private part of your life with the world, especially when you weren’t in the best state to do damage control on what people saw. I am eternally grateful I was in a stable place when I first decided to start blogging about mental illness, but looking back, I cringe at how not “put together” I really was. There were times I wish I’d had someone veto my writing privileges because I’d decompensated. That being said, I am a big believer of the mantra “time heals all wounds” because yes, I put some random, poorly put together stuff on my blog. Luckily the world was rather forgiving of those errors.

2. Can you handle the trolls?

Going public, especially going public online, can open the door to all sorts of trolls, who want nothing more than to tear you down. Oh, they may think they’re helping, by making you question your medication choices or question your treatment plan, but all they’re really doing is dragging you down to their level.

3. Are you ready for the (possible) notoriety?

Going public on Facebook can be a gamble. You don’t know what the person reading your status really thinks of mental illness or what their preconceived notions are and you may receive backlash. You’ll almost always receive positive statements and love, but like I said earlier, there are trolls out there and I’m sure you know some irl. If you don’t receive anything uplifting or fear you won’t, then going public right now is definitely not the best thing for you. Personally, I’d recommend finding a new social circle if the one you have is full of people who might tear you down.

4. Does your employer know you have a mental illness?

This is a big one. Some employers search your name periodically and most new employers almost definitely do. Are you ready to have the risk of losing your job or the possibility of being discriminated against when it comes to a new job due to stigma and fear? I know this is a very valid concern and one of the reasons to think about outing yourself very carefully. I’ve had several jobs since I started writing online and have not yet been discriminated against for being bipolar. However, I have had several job interviews with no job offers and I will never know why I didn’t get those jobs. My last job knew I was bipolar and supported me fully. My current job doesn’t know, but since I’ve only been there a week, I’m sure it’ll come up at some point.

5. Are you OK with your name forever being linked to your disorder?

If you google my name, my author page with The Mighty is the first thing you see. My blog is further down, but it’s there, too. It’s blatantly obvious I write about living with bipolar disorder. To be honest, there have been times when I’ve struggled with this degree of disclosure to the world. I’ve always overcome those feelings because deep down I believe in what I’m doing, and am 100 percent committed to fighting stigma no matter what. It’s also been years since I’ve struggled with being “out of the closet” in regards to my mental health.

So where does this leave you? Ultimately, I think it’s no one’s business how open or not open you are about your illness and you should never feel pressured into telling your story when you’re not ready. I think you’ll know when you’re ready, too. I think if there’s even an ounce of doubt, a feeling of hesitancy or a pinch of paranoia, then now isn’t the time to come out. But each person is different. Maybe you have these doubts and still want to open up and figure you’ll deal with the pieces where they fall. More power to you.

I know for me, “coming out” has helped on a therapeutic level and being able to see my progress over the years has been astounding. I’m grateful I have this platform to speak on, but I recognize it’s not for everyone. If you don’t feel like you’ll ever be ready to come out to people, that’s OK too. Like I said earlier, it’s no one’s business but your own and you’re in control of how you share this info. I am sure if you’re on the fence with this decision, you and your treatment team can come up with a palatable answer. I just wanted to provide a little extra food for thought.

What other considerations did I miss? Why else should a person not open up or why else should they? Is one avenue of sharing potentially better than the others? I’d love to hear your thoughts!

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Wrapping paper is crinkled in balls of red and green around the tree. Scotch tape and plastic bows are strewn about. My son is surrounded by toys, puzzles and family. On this joyful morning, he only asks one thing: “Mommy, you happy?”

“Yes, buddy, Mommy is happy.” Lies I tell my little one. He is 4 and more perceptive than even I notice at times. I experience rapid cycling bipolar disorder, and I grow exhausted so very easily as I cycle through fury, despair and manic happiness all in one morning.

I am not always able to do the things he loves as much as he would like to. We snuggle in bed, and I read him stories. We watch his favorite cartoons as he lays his sweet head on my shoulder. The guilt strangles me. I do not know how to explain that Mommy doesn’t feel good. He kisses me and tells me I’m all better now. For a minute, I am. I fear for him as he grows older and realizes the extent of my limitations.

Oh, little one, how I love you. Even as my body is exhausted and I desperately need to rest, I will always try to read you one more book. Even as I feel anxiety stopping me, I will try to take you to the playground and watch you slide. In your smiles, your hugs, your love, I find a strength. Mommy will always try.

For you.

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I come back to this place of safety to spill my words into the abyss. Forever and always the same. Depression…yes. A touch of mania? Why not. I am so tired of this intricate dance. Don’t step that toe out of line, stumble, trip… hang onto that tightrope, your life hangs in the balance.

I am so lucky. I have a good support system in place. Professionals, friends, family. I am loved by many. I am loved. I know this. I am grateful. I repeat these words over and over again. “I am loved. I am OK. This is enough. I am grateful.”

We talk. Speak in gentle waves. Don’t rock the boat. “This will not last forever. There will be calm. The storm doesn’t go on and on, eventually there are clear skies at the other end.” And if you are talking about episodes, then yes, you are correct. They don’t last forever; instead they are waves which ebb and flow, waxing and waning like the bright moon which fills the sky and is a beacon of light even on the darkest nights. They pass, if you can just ride each wave as it buffets you, trying desperately not to drown.

And this is what I hold onto. There will be peace. It will come, in time. The waves will subside, and leave behind… calm.

Except. Except it does not. Because after one episode, there is another to quickly fill it’s place. This will always be the case. This is a lifelong battle, this battle for sanity. How long can you hold onto a tiny vessel as it falls apart at the seams and leaves you battered and bruised in the midst of a hurricane? I am tired.

It comes to me even in my sleep, this metaphor. I dream of drowning. It is not terrifying as one would expect. I do not wake, tangled in sheets and blankets, sweaty from thrashing to reach the surface. Instead, I watch the waves close over my head, look up through the blue green haze and feel the air leave my lungs. The pressure in my chest is intense, and the water floods my mouth as I instinctively search for air. I do not fight. I am tired. And so I close my eyes against the haze, the pain and everything goes black.

I am tired. I dream of drowning, and for a moment, that moment between sleep and wake, there is simply nothing. No hurt, no pain, no exhaustion. Just a sweet nothing.

Bipolar disorder can consume you, if you let it. I have been teetering on that precipice where the struggle to continue feels so overwhelmingly impossible. But the truth is, in the darkness, if you can’t see even a speck of light, maybe someone else can. Maybe they can hold onto the hope for you, when yours has vanished. I am loved. I am grateful. I am enough. I matter. Bipolar disorder, depression, it tells you lies, but these are the real truths; my truths. I am enough. I matter. I am loved. I am grateful. There will be peace, and calm, in time; a shelter from the storm that rages within.

Follow this journey on Fighting the Tide’s Blog.

If you or someone you know needs help, visit our suicide prevention resources page.

If you need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or text “START” to 741-741.

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Editor’s note: If you experience suicidal thoughts or have lost someone to suicide, the following post could be potentially triggering. You can contact the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741

What is it like to be trapped inside my mind? I have this conversation with my mind most of the time. I wonder what it would be like to be inside a “normal” person’s mind.

Recently, my mind has developed auditory hallucinations. When I told my doctor, she said it’s pretty common in people living with bipolar disorder. I guess she thought that would make me happy, a possible comfort because I’m not the only one hearing voices. Yet, of course, it didn’t comfort me at all. Instead, it only made me feel worse than I already did.

I hear voices of my dead mother and father. I hear a voice of a shadowy figure who wants to take over my mind. I hear a voice of another woman whom I don’t recognize and then there’s my own voice.

So, what is it like to be trapped inside my mind? I will try to describe it as best as I can.

In the morning, I open my eyes, and the shadowy figure starts to abruptly charge me with all the things that will go wrong that day.

“You shouldn’t wake up. You’re much better when you’re sleeping.”

“Today is not a good day for you. It’s better to not get out anywhere.”

“You’re not so great at writing. Why even try?”

“You will definitely be disappointed by the people who say they care for you.”

“You are ugly, unloved and fat. Nobody likes you or wants to be with you. Isn’t it better to just give up?”

The voice of the other woman starts to quiver, like it cannot take the hurtful words anymore. She agrees with all the things the shadowy figure says.

She screams, “Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! All the things you say are true. I am a burden, unloved and unwanted. I should just disappear, kill myself and end the misery. I can’t take it anymore.”

She wants me to self-harm.

That’s when I hear my parents. “We are right here. Come to us. Let us be together again.”

Now, it’s time for me to answer them. All this time I was silently listening to the voices because frankly, I don’t have a clue as to what to tell them. So I just internally shout for them to shut up, keep quiet and that I can’t take this torture anymore. I want peace, not constant torment of ways to die, in my head.

Some days, I win. There have been times when the voices get so overwhelming, I attempt suicide. When I was in the ICU, asleep for more than two days, I couldn’t hear them at all.

Yet, then I woke up, and it was all the same. The voices are back, and I am their prisoner. The arguments inside my head never stop. It’s like a radio, changing channels according to it’s own wish, and I am the plaything.

I never, in my life, thought I would be played by my mind. That I would be tortured by it. I never thought that I wouldn’t be in control of my own mind. Yet, here it is. Here’s the truth about my mind and my body that gives in.

This is just an example of one day of the life I live. Can you really imagine every day of your life to be like this? Think about it. After giving a lot of thought, decide not to judge anyone going through this excruciating agony in their minds by themselves.

If you or someone you know needs help, visit our suicide prevention resources page.

If you need support right now, call the Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255. You can reach the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741.

We want to hear your story. Become a Mighty contributor here.

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