When Depression Forces You to Become a Good Actress
Depression feels like my whole body is so heavy that it’s too much work to move it. Like everything I do is out of obligation. I smile because I’m supposed to. I talk and joke around in an attempt to seem “normal.”
Depression makes me a good actress. I do what I’m supposed to do because I know I’m supposed to do it, even though I don’t want to do anything but sleep. The problem with being such a good actress is nobody believes I fight depression. “You don’t seem depressed” is a phrase I hear often.
Depression is a fight. It’s literally a fight for my life. Sometimes I can’t remember what happiness is and it feels like I’ll never feel it again. It doesn’t matter that I know logically it’s not that bad. I feel like it shouldn’t hurt this much and I know I’ll be happy again. But my brain has convinced my otherwise. I try to tell myself to snap out of it but I can’t figure out how. My stomach is upset. I can’t bring myself to eat. Sometimes for days, even weeks. Every smile, every laugh, every conversation is for the benefit of others. I don’t want to participate. I want to sleep. Nothing but sleep.
What I need is someone to care enough to hold me. Not to ask questions, not to try to convince me everything is OK. Just hold me until I can breathe again. Because I can’t breathe. I am drowning.
If you need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or text “START” to 741-741.
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Thinkstock photo via bruniewska.