When Depression Forces You to Become a Good Actress


Depression feels like my whole body is so heavy that it’s too much work to move it. Like everything I do is out of obligation. I smile because I’m supposed to. I talk and joke around in an attempt to seem “normal.”

Depression makes me a good actress. I do what I’m supposed to do because I know I’m supposed to do it, even though I don’t want to do anything but sleep. The problem with being such a good actress is nobody believes I fight depression. “You don’t seem depressed” is a phrase I hear often.

Depression is a fight. It’s literally a fight for my life. Sometimes I can’t remember what happiness is and it feels like I’ll never feel it again. It doesn’t matter that I know logically it’s not that bad. I feel like it shouldn’t hurt this much and I know I’ll be happy again. But my brain has convinced my otherwise. I try to tell myself to snap out of it but I can’t figure out how. My stomach is upset. I can’t bring myself to eat. Sometimes for days, even weeks. Every smile, every laugh, every conversation is for the benefit of others. I don’t want to participate. I want to sleep. Nothing but sleep.

What I need is someone to care enough to hold me. Not to ask questions, not to try to convince me everything is OK. Just hold me until I can breathe again. Because I can’t breathe. I am drowning.

If you or someone you know needs help, visit our suicide prevention resources page.

If you need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or text “START” to 741-741.

We want to hear your story. Become a Mighty contributor here.

Thinkstock photo via bruniewska.


Find this story helpful? Share it with someone you care about.


Related to Depression

black wallpaper

The Texture of Depression

What does depression feel like? I am learning about mindfulness and meditation, and I found an exercise that asks this question. I decided to try it. I slowed down, focused on my breath and pictured myself in a vast room, all alone, with a lit candle at the center. I ask into the room, “What does my [...]
woman wearing rainboots

Sunny Days Are Hard to Come by When You Live With Depression

I strap on my shoes, feeling a little sick. My head aches; it feels like it’s full of cotton, that way it does when you have a cold. I’ve had the sniffles. I feel sick. There’s a wad of duct tape at the base of my right shoe where I had wrapped it around the [...]
Vector portrait of pensive long hair woman looking up

When Depression and Anxiety Make Life a Waiting Game

In high school I was mostly depressed from stress and found myself not talking to anyone for days on end. No one really talked to me either. I was left alone in my miseries. I didn’t have many friends and I was convinced I hated myself. Last year during the summer, I was preparing to [...]
girl surrounded by trees looking towards something

Having Depression Has Shown Me There Is Always Hope

I have depression. I take antidepressants every day because my brain is sick and they help me to feel well. When I first became poorly, depression crept into my life gradually. It started with feeling tired more easily, lacking in motivation and needing to cry often. I thought it was temporary. I believed that it [...]