When Depression Feels Like Being Stuck in a Spiderweb
When you walk into it, you don’t know it’s happening. You’re just moving through and then you feel it. Sticky. It’s all over you. It makes you cringe and shiver. But you can’t find it. You know it’s there – but it is invisible. If you are lucky, you can find it and work to get it all off. And maybe you do. But you still feel like there is something on you. And it’s scary. Spider webs alone aren’t scary – it’s the thing that lives among them. Clinging to its home. It multiplies. And that spider web gets all over you without your knowledge or approval. And you’ll always wonder… is the spider on me still? Is the web still being woven?
That’s sort of the feeling lately. I can’t pinpoint the web or from where it came this time. But I can feel the spider. Maybe on me. Maybe close by. But here. And this web is still woven. For years I have lived among the web – caught up – with my stuff ready to get all over me at any given moment.
I think I have to learn to live among my spiders. I need to learn to tolerate the web’s stickiness. There is no fight left in me. Just work to be done. I have to find a way to live within this fear. I have to learn to live within the depression. I have to learn to live within the anxiety.
Because I’m not living.
Sure, I’m breathing. I’m taking up space. But I have exhausted all efforts to fight this. I have depression and anxiety and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). It is what it is. The job now is to figure out how to move forward with them. Because the spiders are here to stay. My web will always be sticky. Tricky. Doing what I’m doing now is allowing myself to turn into spider food… just hanging here… waiting. I am quite stuck. In my house. In my comfort zone. In my bed. In my silence. Lost within my blaring music.
You guys, I’m drained – I’d be quite a disappointing meal.
Do I have some big plan to make this living begin? No. I don’t. But I can hope for it.
I hate spiders.
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Thinkstock photo by Lynn Whitt