What My Depression Sounds Like


Sometimes, this weird thing happens in my heart, and it feels like the machine, which heretofore was chugging along the rails clickity-clack, just flies completely off the track. Joy flees. Hope evaporates. The truth dies down to a whisper; the doubts and fears shriek and gibber.

Inside my head it’s a tornado of thoughts. They fly back and forth faster than I can even process them. I find it hard to move, like my limbs have weights attached. Just getting into the shower requires monumental effort.

Everybody thinks you’re stupid, the thoughts shout. I am stupid. People are sick and tired of your bullshit, my brain asserts. I’m sick and tired of my bullshit. Nobody cares, nobody understands. Nobody wants to get close. Nobody should get close. It’s dark in here. Really, really dark. People prefer the light. I have none to offer.

These, and many, many other thoughts consume me.

I grasp for medication. I punch walls, punch myself, retreat, pull away, dream about the sleep that never ends in miserable awakening.

Despair.

I want to run away. Far, far away, so I stop hurting the people I love. They would be better off without me; this is what I feel is the truth.

Unfortunately, I can’t run away from my own brain.

This is life in my head.

And now I’m supposed to say something uplifting and hopeful, like it will pass and you am loved but I can’t. Not right now. The truth is, sometimes you just hold on. Sometimes you write a depressing essay just to get the thoughts out of your head.

Maybe the best thing to remember, at times like these, is you are not alone. Maybe the best thing to do is go out to The Mighty and read all the articles about your illness and find comfort there in the embrace of those who really do get it.

If you or someone you know needs help, visit our suicide prevention resources page.
If you need support right now, call the Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255

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