Choosing Faith When the Path of My Son's Health Is Uncertain

I have always been as positive as I could given the cards our family has been dealt with a child with an undiagnosed condition. I have tried to wake up each morning by taking a deep breath and be grateful for all the things our son doesn’t have. Each day, although not always easy, begins with the continued hope and ongoing faith that one day someone will give us an answer that will allow us to finally help our son.

My faith has always been ridiculously strong. Throughout this journey it was this faith that brought me some comfort in some very trying times as I have always believed everything in our lives happens for a reason. I believe there is a bigger plan for us and no matter how hard one tries, life’s timing is out of our control. I would pray, beg, and attempt at negotiating a deal or two, but it seemed day after day, year after year nothing worked. I believed he was listening because that is what my faith tells me, but what I could never seem to grasp is what is with the long delay? Are there still lessons to be learned? Maybe these lessons have nothing to do with me, but instead the doctors or other members of our family. While I wholeheartedly believe things are as they are meant to be, I am having a hard time accepting that these lessons and this four-year timeline with no end in sight would have to be at our son’s expense. There is a reason, there is a season, but perhaps this really will be a lifetime. Despite the overwhelming feelings that come with this harsh reality, my faith has never dwindled.

This morning I woke up and thought I truly wish I did not believe, as actually believing and trusting that this would happen to a child for a reason makes me angry. A type of body-numbing anger that makes it hard to keep going sometimes. That this has gone on for years for some life timing I am not aware of infuriates me. I came to the sobering realization this makes no sense, and burst into inconsolable tears. I would rather believe there was absolutely no big man upstairs than believe he would choose this journey to happen to our child, to a me as a mother, to my husband, my other children or any family for that matter.

Then I stubbled across this quote by David Willis, “Faith is a choice to trust God even when the path seems uncertain.”

I suppose if I am given the choice, I would rather believe and have some comfort while being angry than no comfort at all. Sometimes life does not make sense and sometimes the road uphill is difficult, but when I believe in a higher power, perhaps it will be enough to pull me though some of the darkest days.

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