It was pointed out to me yesterday in this way…. Mom, stop apologizing to people for THEIR bad behavior. Let me explain a bit.
Yesterday, I was having a very difficult morning with pain and numbness and burning in my spine and lower body. I was just trying to walk/function a bit in my home with my rollator and cane as I always try, if I can. Quickly, I was losing the ability to feel my spine and lower body as the numbness can be quite severe and it becomes all I can feel. I can’t put it in pretty words, it’s not pretty. I was losing control of bodily functions and could not feel it at all (again!). I told you, it’s not pretty. Of course, I was in the privacy of my own home. I can deal with that but it still ticks me off.
Then, it came time to get to the hospital and have my brain mri already scheduled. I wanted to go in the manual wheelchair, I couldn’t walk anymore. My daughter drives me, ok, here we go, done ✅.
Now, we stop at a local store here in town, a small store, the only one in my town. This time, I’m going in too. I’m tired of not being able to go into any store to get anything for myself because my ability to walk on my rollator can be suddenly, excruciatingly painful and numbing on very short notice. Of course I cannot walk up and down most isles like a typical healthy person but I have fought for the ability to keep my limbs working for a very long time now along with a tiny bit of independence. I think most people would, however; I’ve learned now that I have days and weeks that the rollator is just not sufficient and a wheelchair has to be used. Like yesterday, to the hospital and the local store.
Here we are, in this store and I soon realize that yes, there’s several isles that I cannot go down at all because they have carts here and there and excess boxes of products they are trying to stock, the isles are very thin. That’s not my main problem though. More and more customers are filling up this store and I’m in this wheelchair fighting to use my one ☝️ better arm and strengthen the other too. I’m in an isle picking something for myself (yay😂. I feel like a big girl for a moment). My daughter’s nearby pushing a cart for me and gathering things I cannot get to.
Little by little I found that I was in the way, of many, it seemed. I found myself apologizing over and over AGAIN, to anyone and everyone who appeared to be inconvenienced by my sheer existence in a wheelchair. Regardless if I was in the isle first, I was still apologizing. Because they can walk much faster with their carts they are trying to make noises and give me looks to get out of their way faster. I cannot maneuver this chair in these tiny isles around every dang thing piled in the store fast enough to suit the lady in front trying to push past where there’s clearly not enough room. The lady trying to come in behind me could see that I couldn’t back up to please her and I couldn’t go any further to the side to please the people coming toward me. I could NOT physically get out of everyone’s way fast enough. It happened several times during this visit. I don’t know how many people I apologized to but after a bit it kind of starts to make a person feel like they are a burden to the public. To the community they call home, their fellow neighbors. I apparently don’t have the right to go into a store and buy something for myself because the mobility equipment might make someone else have to wait a few seconds longer than they wanted.
Out speaks my daughter, a few times, but this time louder and with solid, stern, tone of voice. “Mom, you don’t have to apologize to people because of their own bad behavior”! I realized it then. She has told me on more than one occasion, that I apologize to strangers all of the time because they show they are being inconvenienced for a few seconds/minutes of their time.
I want to say that I’m sick and tired of apologizing for my existence. My body is controlling my life. I don’t care anymore if your inconvenienced. Turn around and go the other way. Keep your snarly comments and moans and groans to yourself and go the other way. If you cannot do that, try a little human kindness. Have a little patience, a little respect for other human beings. ALL human beings deserve a little respect and kindness. It shouldn’t matter that some of us cannot walk like you. I picked a few things for myself in a local store. It felt really good 😊 👍🏼!!! I needed that. I was not in the wrong because I’m still fighting for what’s left of my limbs, my life. I’M NOT SORRY!!!
#Undiagnosed #MightyTogether #ChronicPain #MobilityAids