I'm nearing the end of my Bachelor's degree and I'm terrified because I'm still not doing well
I'm constantly tired. CONSTANTLY. I don't know what I have otherwise (POTS?? CFS?? I have no idea.) but I definitely have depression and anxiety... and I feel stuck at home. I'm not functioning very well at all, my mom is elderly and disabled, (she can do most things on her own, but they hurt her terribly if too strenuous/done for too long) and I have no siblings. I have to stay nearby my mother because she doesn't have family that cares about her wellbeing enough to help out with anything nor do they live close enough.
I am smart on my good days, but on my brain fog days I'm a freaking idiot and forget things way too easily. It's hard to hold down any good-paying job, and I don't think I'll ever escape the stupid small town I'm in or my mom's house.
I tell myself "Just work harder" but the harder I work, the worse the brain fog and body pain becomes, and the worse I do at my job. I forget simple things, have executive dysfunction, and if I push too far, I feel like I've been hit by a truck for a few days to a week. This happens even if I just get too stressed out.
I tried explaining this to co-workers, and they looked at me like I was crazy. (Like yeah, you work out and you hurt, duh. I couldn't get them to understand that I know what it's like to work out to the point of my legs giving out and this is extremely different.)
I feel stuck?? Scared?? I am two semesters from finishing my Bachelor's degree (It's taken 10 years due to executive dysfunction and brain fog making me fail classes and me taking breaks for my health) but I don't think I can get a job afterward that I can truly do good at due to my disabilities. I have no idea how to get diagnosed with anything enough to get help because every time I go to the doctor, they do blood tests and tell me the blood tests look good.
My mom and I are both disabled. What happens when she needs more help and I can't give it but I also can't afford to hire help?? What happens if I never move out of her house and I just... don't have a life? I'm terrified to date, I don't have the proper energy to keep up relationships anyway, I have trauma that keeps me from truly trusting people, and I'm worried about my mother's and my future.
I just... really needed to vent. Thanks
#ChronicFatigueSyndrome #Depression #MentalHealth #Disability #MyalgicEncephalomyelitis #Undiagnosed