Managing Your Gluten-Free Diet After You've Lost a Loved One

You get the call – the call none of us want to get. Someone you love has passed away. Whether sudden or expected, your world has been rocked. It is heartbreaking, and I doubt the first thing on your mind is “What will I eat next?” You may not be hungry and you may not have the time or energy to cook, but we all have to eat. That is something our culture recognizes about times of grief: we bring each other food. Frozen trays of lasagna, salads, breaded chicken, sandwiches, pasta dishes…they’re all made with love to nourish our bodies while we try to repair our souls. It is a form of sympathy that is tangible and immediately supportive. You have food available if you want it – but what if you are gluten-free or live on another restrictive diet?

I’ve had my fair share of loss, including this month. When my brother passed away on Christmas Eve of 2014, a troop of people showed up at my parents house with food. The fridge was packed. As I sat there watching folks bring my parents food, and my parents in turn splitting it with my other brother, I felt more isolated, more distant. There was nothing I could safely eat. While they ate filling pasta made with love, I ate tuna fish on chips, and while I could live with it, I found myself thinking selfish and angry thoughts. Why does it have to be this way? Can’t someone just f***ing bring a fresh salad with no croutons? How am I supposed to make sure my food is prepared while trying to help make arrangements? Food is my last priority – I just won’t eat. I don’t have the energy to be awake, let alone cook…

It is natural to feel this way, but in this case it wasn’t fair because none of these people knew I was gluten-free and ate on a restrictive diet. Restrictive diet and gluten-free living is rough sometimes and we will have those negative thoughts, but sometimes we need to reassess. The important thing during grief is processing the loss, so these were thoughts I couldn’t let fester. The social worker in me, with the help of my nutritionist student husband, got to thinking about some ways to support myself and ask for the help I needed in ensuring I had food. If you yourself are grieving (which I sure hope you aren’t), and don’t know what to do about your food, try to keep the below in mind.

If you know someone is going to pass away shortly, prepare ahead of time. Freeze some home-cooked leftovers or stock up on a few items you know are safe such as frozen meals (Annie’s dishes for example) or dry noodle dishes (such as Trader Joe’s Rice noodle bowls).

If you are up to cooking, make a favorite recipe of yours or the person who has passed. When my brother passed away I made a soup recipe he loved several times over the next few months. It was comforting to eat something I knew he would love and gave me a tangible time to think of him.

Focus on mindful cooking. As you cook, focus on the tasks and your breathing: how do your hands look when you chop the vegetables? What do you smell when you stir the sauce? Focusing on these things allows your brain a small break from your grief and refocuses you on your surroundings.

Keep it simple. Use a slow cooker to cook, so you only have to prepare and mix ingredients. Cook simple dishes that don’t require a lot of prep or shopping.

Order take-out from your favorite restaurant (or the favorite restaurant of individual who passed), but try to limit this and keep the orders healthy.

If someone asks if you need any food or drops something off, remind them of your dietary needs and ask for help from those you find reliable and supportive. This person(s) should know you are gluten-free, and you should feel safe eating what they make and speaking to them. If need be, maybe supply them with recipes, ingredients or ideas. Remind them that store-bought items from delis or bulk bins may not be gluten-free.

Here are some quick suggestions of items you might suggest they make:

– Gluten free baked ziti or lasagna
– Gluten free potato salad, macaroni salad, cole slaw, etc.
– Fresh salads without croutons or salad dressing (unless they know the dressing is gluten-free)
– Stir-fry with vegetables/meats/fish and gluten-free pasta or rice
– Sandwiches on gluten-free bread (peanut butter and jelly, cheese and meat, etc.)
– Gluten-free baking mix items for a treat

The above tips are applicable during any emergency (death, injury, caretaking requirements needing more of your time, etc.) that might limit the time or energy you have to dedicate toward meal preparation. To me the biggest key is having a support network of friends and family who know what is going on in your life and that you are gluten-free. This is hopefully something you’ve established before any emergency, and all you might need from them is to simply keep you company while you do the cooking or do the shopping for you (not necessarily the food itself). My biggest reminder: in no way should you feel guilty and obliged to eat something someone made if it isn’t gluten-free or you are unsure whether it is. That will only make things worse – for you and those around you. Kindly accept what they made, remind them of your your needs and share it with those around you.

Unfortunately I’ve had opportunity to utilize the above strategies since my brother’s death, and they have really helped. I don’t worry about food now when someone passes or I encounter a personal injury or other emergency because I have a great group of friends that will drop off a tray of gluten-free baked ziti or I can take a moment out of my day to mindfully cook and focus only on the food to give myself a break. Loss, and grief, require a level of vulnerability that some find too overwhelming, and asking for more help at that point can be unimaginable, but it eliminates another concern. So be vulnerable, be honest and be proud of yourself for asking for the help you need and living every day on a restrictive diet. And if you need further assistance with processing the grief itself, please consider working with a local social worker, psychologist or psychiatrist. You can also call the National Suicide and Crisis Hotline at 1-(800)-273-8255.

This post originally appeared on Celtic Celiac.

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