What the Voice of Depression Really Sounds Like
Editor’s note: If you experience suicidal thoughts, the following post could be potentially triggering. You can contact the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741.
I hate that I’m like this.
I’m so sick of feeling this way and I desperately want to feel better. I’ve been trying to force myself to be OK but I can’t do it. But as much as I want to stop feeling like this, I’m scared to get better. The depression is what I know, it’s familiar — I feel like it’s what I deserve. I don’t feel like I deserve to feel happy, that I deserve to feel this pain. I want to reach out for help but I don’t want to ask for help. I don’t want to be any more of a burden than I already am. The people around me deserve so much better. I feel guilty for everything I say and do, and I feel guilty for existing.
I’m scared I’m being selfish by being alive. I’m not getting better and I’m afraid I’m not going to get better. I don’t want to live this life. I feel like I can’t keep fighting, that I’m not strong enough. I can’t do this. Things aren’t going to get better, I’m not going to feel OK. It’d be so much easier to give up. Everyone would be so much better off and happier without me. All these feelings are getting more and more intense, more and more constant and it’s crushing me. I feel a physical pain in my chest and want it to end. I can’t keep feeling like this. It’s all too much.
I know it’ll pass. I know it won’t be this bad forever, but right now it is, and I don’t know how long this will last. I know that when it passes, I’ll be OK for a while but soon I’ll be back to feeling like this. It’s all too exhausting and I’m scared to talk to anyone because I feel like that would just make me more of a burden. But at the same time I feel so alone and I need support. But everyone has their own things to deal with and it’s not fair for me to complain about things when other people are struggling too. I don’t know what to do.
But I have to keep going. Take it a minute at a time. It’s the only way I can get through this.
If anyone reading this has had similar thoughts or experiences, know that you’re not alone. There are others out there feeling the same way. Know that these thoughts aren’t yours — they’re your depression. Know that these thoughts won’t last forever. You can reach out for help, you’re not a burden, you can get better. It’s OK to struggle. It’s OK to ask for help. It’s OK to get better.
If you need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or text “START” to 741-741.
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