Sometimes I struggle to make sense of the love of being alone but also the fear of being alone. To an introvert, being alone can be a favorite pastime and to an extrovert, they can often want nothing more than to be around people. But what if I don’t fit in these categories? What if I don’t want to label myself because neither of these titles make any sense to who I am?
With anxiety, it is impossible to guess how I am going to feel each day. Do I want to be alone or do I need the distraction of the people I care about? After a long day, there is nothing more I want then to sit alone and process my day. The last thing I can imagine is socializing with friends or having to go out in public. My day was exhausting and my thoughts drained all my energy. All I want to do is sleep and prepare myself for the next day. I cannot even imagine holding a conversation and I seem reserved and standoffish.
A week later, I can feel the exact same way but the last thing I can imagine is being alone. My thoughts become too strong to push away by myself. I have to put the television on and put the volume up to drown out the thoughts I can no longer control. I get up and start to pace the floor trying to find something to do or even start cleaning to distract myself. I start texting my boyfriend and friends to think of something else while I try to push away the nauseous feeling creeping up my throat. I start doing homework that might not be due for another two weeks just so I can keep myself busy. I start making lists of anything I can think of or start organizing my room to keep myself calm. I count down the minutes until my boyfriend is out of work just so I can have someone next to me, someone I can have a conversation with.
I wish I was able to know which way I was going to feel each day. Whether I should plan to meet up with friends or know not to make any plans altogether. I know it is hard for many people to understand how I can seem like an introvert one day and an extrovert the next day, but I have learned I need to adjust my surroundings with the way I am feeling each day.
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Thinkstock photo via kotoffei.