How Living With Anxiety Can Feel Like Walking on a Tight Rope
There’s such a blessing and a curse involved in living your life with your heart out on display. It’s the biggest blessing when you give love to those around you — friends, family, strangers on the internet. I would be lying if I said my heart didn’t bust at the seams with joy at all the beautiful and amazing souls in my life.
I know I am very fortunate in so many ways. But although most days I feel strong and brave and steadfast in who I am, sometimes my heart breaks.
The danger of walking around with your guts and heart out to give is, it also makes you a target. People can chip away and tug at you more than ever before. Sometimes giving love and of myself to others is ultimately rewarding and keeps me sane. But on nights like tonight, it can crush my soul.
Living life with anxiety can feel like I’m walking on a tight rope, dangerously balancing so I don’t fall off. I sweat and force a smile while I feel watched. Judged. Observed under the lights. Each time someone gives me a compliment or shares their praise, the rope shrinks. Frays. Making my trip across — my act of balancing it all — even more daunting. All while everyone is watching and waiting to see what happens. Most are rooting for me. Others hang on every second, waiting to watch me fall.
I don’t tell you this for any other reason than to show you it’s really fucking hard to be strong all the time. I see so many women trying to do it all and be it all for everyone. We seek solace and comfort in seeing other strong women do what we can not. We feel less than and unworthy when we don’t feel strong and brave.
But sometimes the strongest fall the hardest. Hurt the deepest. Love the boldest. We see triumphs and bravery and success in others and desperately seek it in ourselves. But we have that brokenness, messiness. We hurt. Our hearts break. You often don’t see that, the clean up of the results of a passionate person’s breakdowns.
Because we take that hurt and use it to give more. Love more. Do more. Be more. We break down. Then we show up. Loving harder than before. The passion you see? It’s fueled by the wreckage. The build up from the breakdown. The work of art they piece back together. Because that’s what we do. And we do it all with a smile.
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Thinkstock photo via GPitman.