themighty logo

What It's Like to Be Awake at Night With Depression

Editor’s note: If you experience suicidal thoughts or have lost someone to suicide, the following post could be potentially triggering. You can contact the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741

I lay here in the middle of the night, wanting nothing more than to go to sleep.

My mind won’t rest. I am unsuccessfully trying to drown out my thoughts with the loud music flowing through my headphones as I type this. Despite the screaming in my ears, my thoughts remain louder — the voice that tells me I am a failure and I am worthless, the constant reminder of the self-hate I harbor within myself.

The intrusive thoughts of death and suicide are haunting me again tonight. The impulsive urges to hit myself are winning. Tonight is all too familiar to me. I feel like I am screaming at the top of my lungs. No one can hear me because I am drowning in my depression. Screaming underwater makes little sound. I know I can call or text a hotline and they will listen — I’ve done it many times before — but I don’t know what I need to be able to ask for it.

I don’t plan to kill myself tonight so I feel like I would waste precious time on a crisis line, so that leaves me all alone to cope the best way I can. Depression may be winning this battle but my war is not over. I will spend the next hours searching for distractions to block out the negativity. Eventually, I will fall asleep or daylight will come. Tomorrow is a new day with new opportunities to find the hope I so greatly need right now. I will keep fighting because I know I am loved and cared about. My strength lies in this knowledge.

If you are struggling, find your strength in the care of others. You are not alone and I care about you.

If you or someone you know needs help, visit our suicide prevention resources page.

If you need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, the Trevor Project at 1-866-488-7386 or text “START” to 741-741.

We want to hear your story. Become a Mighty contributor here.

Thinkstock photo via cyan066.