What It's Like to Be Awake at Night With Depression


Editor’s note: If you experience suicidal thoughts or have lost someone to suicide, the following post could be potentially triggering. You can contact the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741

I lay here in the middle of the night, wanting nothing more than to go to sleep.

My mind won’t rest. I am unsuccessfully trying to drown out my thoughts with the loud music flowing through my headphones as I type this. Despite the screaming in my ears, my thoughts remain louder — the voice that tells me I am a failure and I am worthless, the constant reminder of the self-hate I harbor within myself.

The intrusive thoughts of death and suicide are haunting me again tonight. The impulsive urges to hit myself are winning. Tonight is all too familiar to me. I feel like I am screaming at the top of my lungs. No one can hear me because I am drowning in my depression. Screaming underwater makes little sound. I know I can call or text a hotline and they will listen — I’ve done it many times before — but I don’t know what I need to be able to ask for it.

I don’t plan to kill myself tonight so I feel like I would waste precious time on a crisis line, so that leaves me all alone to cope the best way I can. Depression may be winning this battle but my war is not over. I will spend the next hours searching for distractions to block out the negativity. Eventually, I will fall asleep or daylight will come. Tomorrow is a new day with new opportunities to find the hope I so greatly need right now. I will keep fighting because I know I am loved and cared about. My strength lies in this knowledge.

If you are struggling, find your strength in the care of others. You are not alone and I care about you.

If you or someone you know needs help, visit our suicide prevention resources page.

If you need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, the Trevor Project at 1-866-488-7386 or text “START” to 741-741.

We want to hear your story. Become a Mighty contributor here.

Thinkstock photo via cyan066.


Find this story helpful? Share it with someone you care about.


Related to Depression

hands showing wedding bands

What It's Like to Be the 'Depressed One' in a Marriage

I recently got married three months ago, but I have been with my husband for five years and counting now. Yes, I am the “depressed one.” Depression is my worst enemy, yet it seems to hang around as if it’s my best friend. I feel things that aren’t true, especially with my husband. Depression tells [...]
Woman sitting outside

The Contradiction of Living With Depression When Life Is Good

You have probably heard it a million times — mental illness doesn’t care how wealthy you are, it doesn’t care how great your job is or how much you are loved. Mental illness can come like a monster in the night and steal your joy. It comes and takes your breath away, it takes your [...]
A girl laying down

Depression or Sadness: How to Know the Difference

I’ve received a lot of mental health advice over the last 20 years, and while the vast majority of said advice has been helpful, one troublesome comment keeps coming up. “Aw, it’s OK. You’ll snap out of it; I mean, everyone gets depressed.” Make no mistake: I know these words are well-intentioned. They are meant to [...]
Night portrait of an intense middle-aged blond woman

The Self-Doubt of Depression

One of the hardest things for me about struggling with depression and anxiety is that it lies to me about the fact that I struggle with depression and anxiety. It likes to tell me on days when everything is hard that I’m really just lazy, and I just need to grow up and get my [...]