On Hard Days With Bipolar Disorder, It's OK Not to Be OK
In the depths of my mind I know as I awaken that today is another day I may or may not be OK. My mind is clouded with questions and racing thoughts that take hold of the gracefulness of the morning and press for answers. There is a reluctance in rising to conquer the day, and then at that very moment I realize I’m not OK.
You create excuses and stories of exhaustion and too much to do when in all honesty you’re just not OK.
Today is a day I don’t want to go to work. Today is a day I don’t even want to waken. I know deep down the rapid cycling of my bipolar disorder will make sure I am motivated soon enough, but for now I am mellow and disheveled. Yesterday the curtains were hung, the dishes were washed, a five-course meal was prepared from scratch, and then even some reports for work were completed. Today there will be no coffee, and the energy to even eat has dissipated. Yesterday I played and laughed with my children at their silly stories and silly personalities, but today I can’t even leave the room. I cannot withstand a hug or a kiss. Yesterday I was the most gracious and attentive wife, and today I cannot even be bothered to text back or listen to the pressing concerns of the love of my life. Today is not my best day, but I must know it won’t be my worst day.
I take deep breaths and tell myself I will be OK. I lie and tell everyone I’m all right. I’m not though… I’m overwhelmed over the simplest of things. I have moments I am unsure of myself. Moments that compile themselves on my insecurities and suffocate me with uncertainty. Moments where I try to breathe in and hold in all the pain and confusion. These are the moments that define who I am. These moments come and try to break me down and make me into the person I fight so hard to not be.
I know that these are little victories. The smallest of victories but a victory nonetheless. I woke up. I brushed my hair. I went to work. Even though the smile may not be genuine and the day may not be the best, I know that today, it’s OK to not be OK.
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