I’ve thought life was hard for as long as I can remember. I never really fit in. I flocked more towards adults growing up because they made me feel more secure, but I never thought I had a mental disorder.
In 2016, I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder (BPD). Everything seemed to fall into place as far as understanding why I was the way I was, but the journey only got 10 times more difficult. Since I was now aware of my disorder, it made it harder to cope day to day. I knew I had this condition, but I couldn’t stop my emotions from raging or the thoughts of wanting to end my life. I couldn’t stop those feelings and lies that told me to leave my husband all the time or that I wasn’t good enough. I became more and more frustrated. And as each day passed, more times than not I wish I wouldn’t wake up.
My life changed when I was introduced to a dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) book. I was going to be a part of the DBT group, but no one else had BPD so I felt like more of an outcast. My husband and I decided to do it together in the comfort of our own home. As we read through the book and I filled out the exercises, a lot of life made more sense. But it was all about applying these skills to the situations you struggle with. That was the hardest part. Anyone can read this book and be enlightened by it, but can everyone apply these skills to day-to-day turmoil?
I soon realized I had to find the strength and determination that was inside me. I couldn’t rely on the books and the therapy and the medication alone to save me. I had to save me. I needed the strength to read the book. I needed the strength to go to therapy and talk about things I didn’t want anyone else to know. I needed the strength to take that pill every day — it all started with the want to change. None of those things could’ve helped change me if I wasn’t willing. And as each day comes and goes, I’ve learned more and more about myself and about living in this world. We all have the potential to find our inner strength, but it takes work. And unfortunately, we will be working at it our whole lives. But, that is what is so special about us.
We, as BPD survivors, know how to love deeply and connect in many awesome, unique ways. When we love something, we love that something. And when something makes us sad, we are sad. But, that is what shapes us in our lives. The experiences we go through and the multitude of work we have to get done can continue to make us stronger and stronger.
I think The Mighty is a site that can help millions around the world. I am so blessed to be a part of this so I too can post my story. I am a survivor of BPD and continue to survive every day. My prayers are with everyone who fights every day with an illness. Find the strength in you to fight it daily.
If you need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, the Trevor Project at 1-866-488-7386 or text “START” to 741-741.
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Thinkstock photo by Merlas