A Look in My Mind During a Day With Depression


It’s dark, and it’s raining.

The room is dark.

It feels like 4:30 a.m., but it’s really 8 a.m.

My eyes are barely open, and a tear is rolling down my cheek.

My thoughts are racing. Everything is dark. How can I feel so much and nothing at all?

I drag myself out of bed, sulking as I know what the day brings.

The weight of the water makes me cringe.

Stepping out of the shower, I freeze. Is that awful reflection in the mirror really me?

My morning routine is unbearable but familiar. I can do it better than anything else I will accomplish today.

Can’t forget my meds.

Driving to work, I don’t know how to stop my racing mind. Why does doom follow me everywhere?

This car in front of me is driving slower than my mind. I can’t get out of this lane fast enough.

I’m here. Deep breaths. Let’s do this. Grin and bear it.

Walking up the stairs, I will myself to turn the fake me on.

I’m at my desk. I hope nobody stops by. Please just let me be.

Oh no, here she comes. I wonder what she needs today.

“Hello! How are you? I’m splendid!” Let’s get this fake, awkward conversation over with.

I’m losing it, absolutely losing it. It’s been two hours, and I’m starting to squirm. I’m so uncomfortable I want to explode. How is the clock moving so slow?

My mind is racing, and it won’t stop. I take some more meds to calm me down.

Is he mad at me? Did I do something wrong? Do you think she knows I’m not OK? I’m the worst human. I don’t deserve anyone. Everyone would be better without me. How could someone love me? I only bring people down. I suck at everything. I’m so sorry. I never meant to be broken.

Don’t cry, don’t cry. You can do this. Nobody can know. Don’t let it show.

Oh thank God, it’s time to go. This has been the most painful day. My body aches. My chest is heavy. I’m fighting back tears. Why is it so hard to move?

My car is my best friend. Nowhere else am I safe and alone, even just for my 20-minute commute.

Home is warm, but everything feels foggy. My husband is so silly, and I love him, but right now I want to be alone.

Oh, it’s time for meds again.

The darkness in my bedroom is more than welcome.

I put on my headphones. Sad songs make me feel like I belong.

It feels good to cry. It feels good to cry myself to sleep.

It’s dark, and it’s raining.

We want to hear your story. Become a Mighty contributor here.

Thinkstock photo by kevinhill illustration


Find this story helpful? Share it with someone you care about.


Related to Depression

The Offhand Comment Michelle Obama Said at Dinner That Made Me Feel Less Alone

I’m a voice teacher and I taught Sasha Obama when she was in 6th grade both in her private school and in private sessions. I met the whole family (even Grandma!) during a very small, family-only performance where Sasha got to show off her singing skills. Even though it was a small gathering, there were [...]
A young woman is walking her dog on the beach

Why I Struggle to Describe What Depression Feels Like

I’ve lived with obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) for most of my life. Since I was 10, I’ve dealt with intrusive thoughts and complicated rituals. OCD and I have been together for so long that you might say we’re old friends or, at the very least, frenemies. I know this disorder well. Fortunately, in recent years, my [...]
split screen of girl smiling and girl crying

The Me I Let You See, and the 'Real' Me

This is the me most people see. This is the me who smiles, the me who laughs with my friends and family. The me who goes out, the me who takes pictures of scenery and managed to smile for the camera. This is part of me, the part of me who doesn’t show my anxiety and depression. This is the [...]
mom kissing young son in pajamas

Parenting Through Depression and the Unexpected Joys That Come With It

Some downsides of having depression are pretty easy to rattle off. There are all the physical, emotional and mental symptoms that are easily listed by anyone who has taken a 10th grade health class. The deeper hidden ones are unique to your current stage of life. Each one being its own fresh hell. Single and in [...]