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A Look in My Mind During a Day With Depression

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It’s dark, and it’s raining.

The room is dark.

It feels like 4:30 a.m., but it’s really 8 a.m.

My eyes are barely open, and a tear is rolling down my cheek.

My thoughts are racing. Everything is dark. How can I feel so much and nothing at all?

I drag myself out of bed, sulking as I know what the day brings.

The weight of the water makes me cringe.

Stepping out of the shower, I freeze. Is that awful reflection in the mirror really me?

My morning routine is unbearable but familiar. I can do it better than anything else I will accomplish today.

Can’t forget my meds.

Driving to work, I don’t know how to stop my racing mind. Why does doom follow me everywhere?

This car in front of me is driving slower than my mind. I can’t get out of this lane fast enough.

I’m here. Deep breaths. Let’s do this. Grin and bear it.

Walking up the stairs, I will myself to turn the fake me on.

I’m at my desk. I hope nobody stops by. Please just let me be.

Oh no, here she comes. I wonder what she needs today.

“Hello! How are you? I’m splendid!” Let’s get this fake, awkward conversation over with.

I’m losing it, absolutely losing it. It’s been two hours, and I’m starting to squirm. I’m so uncomfortable I want to explode. How is the clock moving so slow?

My mind is racing, and it won’t stop. I take some more meds to calm me down.

Is he mad at me? Did I do something wrong? Do you think she knows I’m not OK? I’m the worst human. I don’t deserve anyone. Everyone would be better without me. How could someone love me? I only bring people down. I suck at everything. I’m so sorry. I never meant to be broken.

Don’t cry, don’t cry. You can do this. Nobody can know. Don’t let it show.

Oh thank God, it’s time to go. This has been the most painful day. My body aches. My chest is heavy. I’m fighting back tears. Why is it so hard to move?

My car is my best friend. Nowhere else am I safe and alone, even just for my 20-minute commute.

Home is warm, but everything feels foggy. My husband is so silly, and I love him, but right now I want to be alone.

Oh, it’s time for meds again.

The darkness in my bedroom is more than welcome.

I put on my headphones. Sad songs make me feel like I belong.

It feels good to cry. It feels good to cry myself to sleep.

It’s dark, and it’s raining.

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Thinkstock photo by kevinhill illustration

Originally published: March 10, 2017
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