When You Don't Have the Words to Describe Your Mental Illness
I want to scream, yell and shout at the top of my lungs.
I wish I could express to you how much pain I’m in.
I long for the words to describe how it is I am feeling. The thoughts racing through my head and how it really, truly feels to be constantly living in fear of abandonment.
Do you know what it feels like to not be able to get out of bed in the morning because you are so debilitated by your anxiety that even just getting the covers off of you is a monumental task?
I can’t even begin to describe how much it hurts to feel abandoned by the people closest to you, to live each day knowing the people you still love and cherish have just completely left your life entirely.
I wish I could tell you I didn’t blame it on me, that it is just life and our life paths have crossed and parted ways. But I have a hard time believing it.
I self-harm because I feel its my fault entirely for lost friendships and relationships.
I self-harm because its easier than feeling the emotions that embrace my body. It is easier than confronting the fact I have been deleted from everybody’s life since I no longer am on Facebook. It is easier than confronting my belief that nobody even misses me or notices I am gone.
Can you hear my screams? Can you hear my words? Can you hear my cries?
You can’t see any of this because I put on a smile everyday, I get out of bed, I walk my pup and I make it to work. You can’t see any of this because I pretend everything is OK, because I don’t want to subject you to the pain I am in. You can’t see any of this because I am a master of my art, skilled in a way I cannot be proud of. Hiding my true identity, my true self. You can’t see any of this because I’m tired of letting people in to only be hurt in the end.
Because at the end of the day, the girl you see is one who puts on a face, who fights for her life, who fights for a future with her service dog and who shows the world she can, despite all signs that say she can’t.
If you struggle with self-harm and you need support right now, call the crisis hotline at 1-800-273-8255 or text “START” to 741-741. For a list of ways to cope with self-harm urges, click here.
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Thinkstock photo via Grandfailure.