The Bad Days (and Good Days) With Social Anxiety
There are a number of different types of anxiety disorders – generalized anxiety disorder (GAD), social phobia, specific phobias, obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), panic disorders and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).
The reasons people experience anxiety are endless – family history, personality, traumatic events and ongoing stressful situations. The list goes on.
So, what is it like living with anxiety? Or more specifically, social anxiety? Well I can’t speak for everyone with an anxiety disorder, but this is what it’s like for me.
I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety in 2015. It wasn’t until I found a decent psychologist that it was actually found to be social anxiety — an anxiety disorder that specifically relates to a fear of most social situations. According to the psychologist I’ve had anxiety and depression for a number of years, dating back to when I started high school.
For me the anxiety developed as a result of a few things.
1. My personality and family history – I am a complete perfectionist. I always have been. I never really saw it as an issue until it was explained to me how closely linked it was with my anxiety.
2. Other mental health issues – my anxiety goes hand in hand with depression. Which, if you happen to experience either one or even both, is a bloody huge struggle.
3. Prolonged stressful environments – hello relationship breakdowns, being cheated on, simultaneous trust issues and having your parents move state. There is tons more things I could mention here, but that’d be a whole other blog post.
Back to the point of this post – what is it like living with social anxiety?
For me, this changes day to day. Sometimes my anxiety levels are so bad I attempt to avoid every single social situation I can. This makes things like going to work, going to the supermarket or even talking to my housemate extremely difficult. And sometimes the anxiety is barely there.
My anxiety has definitely been tested at the moment. I’ve just moved to a new town, started a new job and had to learn what it’s like to be away from your main support network. It’s hard, especially when you are terrified of most social situations.
There can be bad days.
On the bad days I can have as many as 10 panic attacks in a day. This may not seem like a huge number, but for someone with anxiety it can be pretty scary.
On the bad days my heart rate sits at an increased rate. I sweat a lot. I constantly fidget. I find it hard to concentrate on anything else except the negative thoughts going on in my head – things like, “Don’t ask that question, they’ll think you are dumb,” or “Why are people staring at me? Did I do something wrong?”
On the bad days I second guess everything. I worry about needing to get my work done, but procrastinate because I can’t start anything as I’m terrified it will be wrong. I’m scared to ask questions to my managers or colleagues because I fear I’ll be judged.
On the bad days I can text loved ones multiple times if they don’t reply. I need the constant reassurance from my boyfriend that he loves me and needs me. My mind races if the response to a text or an email is not instantaneous.
“Has something happened?”
“Why won’t they reply?”
“What did I do wrong?”
I essentially shut down and yet from the outside I seem fine — unless you notice the fidgeting, the inability to sit still, the need to be doing something with my hands at all times. Despite the fear inside there is constantly a smile on the outside.
But then there can be good days.
The good days are managing to go have brunch with friends, or go out for drinks. It is being able to socialize in general.
The good days are the days without panic attacks, sweaty hands, a heart that beats too quickly. It is the smile I can believe. Being able to concentrate on work and not having an underlying fear I am going to muck things up.
The good days are not second guessing everything or everyone. They are the days without the nagging voice inside my head, the questions going over and over again.
At the moment, I definitely wouldn’t say my weeks are an equal split between the good and bad days – it is definitely more 70 percent bad, 30 percent good. But what I am trying to say is that it is possible to have both. People who have mental illnesses can struggle to see out the other side, and I can say this honestly because I have been there. With the correct treatments and help there is the chance to get better and to somewhat function day to day.
The correct treatment for me may be different from someone else who deals with these challenges. I personally rely on both my amazing psychologist and antidepressants. I also have a strong support network, I journal, I exercise and I meditate. I have tried to find balance.
I think if you are someone who also experiences a mental illness it is important to remember it isn’t always sunshine and rainbows. Sometimes it is a messy and scary storm. What helps is putting one foot in front of another and having tactics to deal with the bad day.
Follow this journey on Tea and Toasties.
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Thinkstock photo via BCGraphix