Editor’s note: If you experience suicidal thoughts or have lost someone to suicide, the following post could be potentially triggering. You can contact the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741
When Facebook asks us, “What’s on your mind?” we know it doesn’t mean it quite that literally. While some people are more open on social media, others feel like they have to post behind a mask — only sharing happy moments and accomplishments to shape how others see them in a positive way. People who live with mental illnesses can relate to this in their everyday lives — it sometimes feels easier to live behind a mask than to let others see your darkness.
While it’s nice to share the good stuff, it’s important to share the dark stuff, too.
To bring a little more honestly to social media, we asked people in our mental health community to share a brutally honest Facebook status they want to post, but don’t.
Here’s what they shared with us:
1. “I obsess about killing myself. When I’m alone, with company, having a conversation or bringing someone else up out of their problems. One day I’m scared the voices will win. So don’t try and give me your judgments, I already judge myself harder than you ever could.”
2. “I’m fucking sick. I’m sick of the pills. I’m sick of the conversations in my head. I’m sick of the fake smiles. I’m sick of the pity looks I get when I offer what’s wrong with me. I’m sick of the weight. I’m sick of the positive fucking messages. I’m sick of fighting for every breath. I’m fucking exhausted of feeling like nothing is going to fix it. No, I don’t want you to fix me. I don’t want you to help me. I don’t want you words of encouragement. I want you to sit here hold my hand and listen.”
3. “Sometimes I can control what’s going on. It’s not me wanting attention or pushing you away. I’m not ‘crazy’ or ‘insane.’ Telling those things to me cause me to feel worse inside then you think. Sometimes I don’t want to hang out or get out of bed, and I need you to understand. I’m not perfect and sometimes I’m afraid of myself and letting people in.”
4. “I just went to the grocery store. Everyone who sees me sees a put together, well-educated, well-spoken, mom and wife. What they don’t know is that when my anxiety is up, like it is now, it takes me five days to mentally prepare to go to the grocery store. The entire time I’m there, I’m praying nobody speaks to me. I only make little eye contact with the few familiar faces I know well.”
5. “The mornings seep into the afternoon and develop into the evening. My day is a blur. I can feel the weight on my shoulders of a thousand worries. I’ve been arguing with my thoughts all day like a never-ending game of tug-of-war. Sometimes I lose, sometimes I win. But with every little victory comes a great downpour of emotion. I exude confidence with a smile to match. It’s easy to cover up my anxieties, but if you really knew what challenged me today, you’d understand what a victory it is for me to still be alive.”
6. “I’m so tired. I’m so tired, all the time, even when I’m at my happiest. At my worst I’m convinced I’m a total waste of oxygen who leeches off her family and friends and doesn’t deserve their love. No matter how many times I convince myself that’s just the depression talking, my anxiety makes sure I fixate on it to the point of obsession (which ironically makes me look even more needy and neurotic). When I sleep in all day or go for constant naps or hang around doing nothing with my life; it’s because I can’t face the day, not because I’m lazy.”
7. “Sometimes it gets so intense, my only thoughts are to get as far away from everyone and everything as I possibly can. My heart feels like I just ran a marathon and every fiber of my being is screaming ‘enough!’”
8. “It (the mental illness) is there every single day, and it’s exhausting. Having to battle your own mind day in and day out while also dealing with the ordinary day-to-day things of life is so incredibly hard and so incredibly tiring.”
9. “If I don’t text you, call you or if I cancel plans last minute it’s not because I don’t still care about you, it’s because I’m exhausted from the illness and I don’t have the strength/energy to fake the happiness, or on the not so good days the illness is telling me I’m a burden to you and shouldn’t bother you.”
10. “I am not actually happy and positive all the time. I dwell on all the negatives in my life and constantly think about suicide. I am at a point in my life where I have more regrets with my life decisions and don’t know if I can trunk it around.”
11. “It’s a constant struggle every second of every day. You fight temptations and urges that you don’t want to have. Even when you’re with friends laughing away, it’s always there. Your mind is plagued at night by thoughts you don’t want, wondering where the old you, the happy you went. It’s torture a kind of agony you can’t express properly no matter how hard you try.”
12. “Some say I play the victim, others say I’m a survivor. Some say I’m bubbly, others say I’m reserved. Some say I’m judgmental, others say I’m compassionate. Some say I’m high strung, others say I’m laid back. Some say I’m boring, others say I’m fun. Some say I’m selfish, others say I’m too giving. Some say I’m too vocal, others say I’m shy. Some say I’m too religious, others say I’m strong in my faith. One thing I do know, is I am me. The good and the bad. I don’t let many people in. I live off instinct, and I pray I get through the day. I’m oversensitive and emotional and some days I can hide it. Some days I’ve held it in too long and need to release before I break down. I hope one day I can connect with people and have truly deep relationships with them. Until then I’ll continue on my path and pray each storm passes a little easier.”
13. “The next person who tells me I wouldn’t need medication if I’d just exercise/get sunshine/take vitamins/do yoga/stop eating gluten/just cheer up is going to get shouted at and possibly kicked right out of my life. If you aren’t a doctor, you don’t know shit about what I deal with, so stop shaming me for taking actual medical advice and doing what I need to feel better.”
14. “It’s tough always being stuck in my head, my past. My thoughts are spinning and I can’t stop them, even if I do distract myself or talk to others. So when I do get triggered, I snap, but I cannot say why because my past still haunts me, and I cannot just get over it like I want to.”
15. “Every day can be hell. I can escape my thoughts while with friends, but as soon as I’m alone again, the negative, self-critical thoughts flood back into dominance. Some days are better than others, but I’m always waiting for them to turn south at the next bend. I feel like everyone can sense that, when I truly know they can’t. I feel like a fake. Instead, I have to remind myself, daily, that I’m the strongest person I know and I can make the best of today. I can live my life, and I can be a success.”
16. “Anxiety is my life. I feel it all the time and in most situations. A lot of times I just need to recharge and can’t be around others. Please be understanding.”
17. “I may look like I have my shit together, like I’m confident in what I do and secure in my relationships and life, but the truth is I question everything. I doubt myself daily. I don’t trust anything because I’m afraid if I trust it I will lose it. I assume anything bad that happens around me is my fault. I constantly feel the need to apologize for my very existence. Deep down I’m just a terrified little girl who just wants someone to love her, protect her and tell her there’s nothing wrong with her and that she isn’t a burden or too needy.”
18. “I’m tired of saying sorry for my mental health when I need to change plans, move a test or anything. Many people don’t understand, and it gets frustrating. I shouldn’t have to apologize for having a mental illness… I shouldn’t always have to prove what’s going on. I’m not trying to make excuses or get out of something.”
19. “I live in a daily hell due to my mental illness. Half the people call me a heroic badass, while others who are mostly in my family, condemn me for not trying hard enough to beat it. I have been through hell and back, and to have to fight the voices every day that tell me no one likes me, that I could never deserve love, that it would be best for everyone if I were to die… I am trying so hard. Why doesn’t it ever seem to be enough?”
20. “I’m still the same person I was before you found out I have a mental illness.”
21. “Anxiety and depression are the anchor of my wings when I’m trying to soar through life. Every time I try to rise above everything they are there to bring me back down.”
22. “Not much hurts me more than when you tell me you think I wouldn’t need to take my antidepressants if I just got some exercise and went to church.”
23. “I didn’t want to open my eyes today. I didn’t want to crawl out of bed today. I didn’t want to sit on the side of my bed, on the floor, crying and shaking. I didn’t want to force myself to slow my breathing to put my clothes on. I didn’t want to make that monumental trip down the stairs and into the living room. I didn’t want to go outside, where it feels like everybody is looking at me. I didn’t want to get on the bus, where everybody could *actually* be looking at me and be driven somewhere by a person I don’t even know. I didn’t want to step into work and see the familiar faces of my friends and co-workers. Why didn’t I want to do any of these things? Everything that is a small part of your day, the easiest part of your day, I could say is like climbing Mount Everest for me. Every step makes the knot in my throat bigger, the elephant on my chest heavier, and the butterflies in my stomach stronger. Every little thing I do is a victory, and every second I’m still here is a gift. I didn’t want to, but I did. And that is the biggest victory I can achieve in my everyday life.”
24. “I’m not happy. But that doesn’t mean I’m sad all the time. And when I smile and laugh, it doesn’t mean I’m happy either. You see my thoughts as ‘negative’ and I see them like… it’s all I’ve ever known. It’s a norm for me. And no, I don’t care if you understand or not. But respect is a thing. All I ever wanted was to be accepted, but I then realized, it doesn’t matter. People will always find something about you, they don’t like. So you might as well be whoever you want. It’s not that easy. If we could ‘get over it’ we would. People are afraid of what they don’t understand.”
25. “Some days I am using every tool in my bag and it’s still not enough. I take my medication, get enough sleep, exercise outside, have lunch with a friend, do simple tasks around the house, see my therapist, pray and listen to music. Those days the sadness feels the heaviest. I wish time moved faster so I could go to sleep in hope of a better tomorrow. There is hope in every sunrise.”
If you or someone you know needs help, visit our suicide prevention resources page.
If you need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or text “START” to 741-741.