To the Friends Who See Me as a 'Lazy Housewife'

I wasn’t always blessed to be able to stay at home with my children. I had to work until my first born was 2 and a half years old and his baby sister was 6 months old. I have done my fair share of bringing in money when it needed to be brought in. In-home childcare, cakes, whatever the need be. God has always provided. I had goals like any woman. I dreamed of the day when my kids would head back to school and I would myself head off to school and grab myself a diploma and a career. I’ve been called though. I’ve been called to be domesticated. It is the only thing I know I’m good at. I can cook, clean, get three kids to three different places all at the same time and still manage to wash my hair before the week is up. I do not regret for one moment “mom-ing” and “wife-ing.” Heck, I’ve made threats to them that I will go find a job if they don’t get it together and do their part.

The reality is they’re empty threats. I’ll never be able to go back to work and hold down a job. I’m not dependable in that sense. The choice to do so has been robbed from me and replaced with disease and guilt.

I have a Type A personality. I have to control what is around me. If it starts to fall off pace, so do I. This makes it very difficult for someone with a chronic illness to live day to day. Just the simple stress of sitting here worrying about the fact that I need to do my laundry so my family doesn’t have to do it for me will send me into sadness and a flare-up. I’m trying to put my focus on prayer and meditation when it comes to these things because it is so counterproductive of the goals I am trying to achieve health-wise. I am having to learn to let go, let others in to help, let change happen. It has not been an easy thing for me to accept.

I finally got in to see the doctor. We’ve been waiting a few months and at the end of this month we will begin our long drives/flights to begin treatment again after four years.

Time to get my house in order. Literally and figuratively.

So, here is here I segway into my title.

I like Snapchat. It’s silly fun. My kids are on it. My friends are on it. It’s not the devil. I could go deeper into this subject, but…oh look – a squirrel!

I sent out some snaps early yesterday morning of me in my face mask with my hair wrapped in a towel and me in a bathrobe. I expected silly comments. What I didn’t expect was a message that said, “I wish I had your life. As I sit here at work.”

Ouch. Gut punch. OK. I am blessed, no doubt. I have great kids, super parents, a husband who I’m afraid will overwork himself one day supporting all of us. (Take note here because I will come back to this.) We need and want for nothing. See, I snap when I feel good. I Instagram a selfie when I have actually had the energy to fix myself up. Because I feel accomplished. You do not want to see me the other five or six days a week.

Just the day before, I was stuck in bed because the night before that, my husband had to pick me up off the bathroom floor and put me in bed. Shortly after that, I vomited. I then spent the rest of the night sweating and having tremors. I cannot recall my address most days. The shooting pain, cramping and popping is making it almost impossible to get through the day without some kind of breakdown. I can no longer read long articles or get through a movie. I’m just tired. Eating hurts. It literally burns my stomach. Oh, and the guilt? My husband is overworking himself then coming home and helping out with what are supposed to be my responsibilities.

I shove along anyway. I may go out with him this Friday night. I may pay dearly for it on Saturday and Sunday. I may sit in weather I have no business sitting in to watch my daughter’s soccer games. I may continue to give little pieces of myself and time to others that I don’t really have to spare. I may continue to help in anyway I can, because being a homemaker isn’t just what I do, it’s who I am. I do not want life to pass me by. I’ve lost so much time already.

So, be very careful when you say you “wish you had my life.” I wouldn’t wish this disease on anyone.

“You can’t get much done in life if you only work on the days when you feel good.” –Jerry West

This post originally appeared on Taking Mine With a Twist of Lyme.

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