What No One Tells You about Loving Someone in Recovery From Addiction

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“You were gone for all these years. Now you’re back and still not here,” Nadine Horton shares about her husband’s return home from treatment for alcohol abuse.

This is a sentiment far too common and far too closeted, among romantic partners supporting a loved one in recovery. In fact, most individuals in this position report high feelings of anger, worry, distrust, anxiety and frustration in their relationships. Meanwhile, partners living in recovery most often report feelings of love, happiness, trust, desire and hope.

If these sort of emotional disconnects are common in relationships impacted by addiction, even after treatment, why isn’t it something that’s frequently discussed? Because of this, people like Nadine end up feeling isolated or guilt-ridden. The truth is if you are supporting a partner through recovery, you aren’t alone and your recovery matters too.

We caught up with Nadine, asking her to share her experience in hopes of illuminating the realities — for better or worse — of loving someone in recovery. She has worked through 15+ years of recovery alongside her husband and while it hasn’t always been easy, there’s hope for restoration.

Here’s what she had to share:

Q: What was your first conversation like when you spoke to your husband during his treatment?

Nadine: “My daughter and I went to visit him together and I just remember it being a really awkward experience for both of us. I could tell our daughter was happy to see him, but just didn’t know how to talk to him. For me, I felt like I had nothing to say. I battled very mixed emotions. I knew I loved him very much, but that man was gone and for that, I was angry. At the same time, I felt guilty because I knew I had a role to play in this awkwardness we felt. I hadn’t made an effort to speak with him during treatment.”

Q: How did you feel when your husband left treatment? Were you looking forward to his return home?

Nadine: “By no means was I ready for my husband to return home and I was extremely lucky we had another option. He was able to go live with his mother for a little while, which was relieving for me. It took away that pressure of going back to a family unit, because we didn’t feel like ‘one.’

It afforded us a neutral space where he and I could have time alone to talk and reestablish our friendship. I needed to learn to trust him again and find a level of comfort — that was really important for me emotionally. After a few months, I could feel myself relaxing around him. I started to see the person I fell in love with. Although I was still ‘on the fence’ emotionally, we made the decision for him to return home with my daughter and I.”

Q: Did anyone prepare you for how you would feel or what the recovery process might be like?

Nadine: “Not at all. No one had a conversation with me to explain what to expect emotionally or even just practically. No prep, no nothing. Even in light of that, I didn’t form any of my own expectations either. I just really hoped the person I fell in love with would come all the way back and that more than anything he would reconnect with our daughter. Looking back, I wish I did have that support or preparation. I felt very alone for a long time. Now I know I didn’t have to.”

Q: How did you and your husband work toward repairing your marriage?

Nadine: “Well, the first couple of years were rough. My husband was doing all the ‘right’ things: working two jobs to make money again, apologizing for being gone for so many years and attending AA meetings religiously. However, I still didn’t feel like I had him back. In fact, I even grew resentful of his overzealous commitment to AA. Recovery was number one in his life and he was so afraid if it wasn’t, he would relapse.

My husband was getting a lot of support, yet I felt very alone. I didn’t have an outlet in the same way he did and I would bury my feelings. I eventually broke down and shared my honest feelings with him. I told him I felt ignored for a long time and I think that was our breaking point. We started to rebuild our marriage when we started to openly communicate about the way we felt — the good, bad and ugly parts.”

Q: What would you say to others who are supporting a partner through recovery?

Nadine: “First and foremost, do not blame yourself for your loved one’s condition. Guilt can take over your life, so it’s important to remember, ‘I didn’t cause it. I can’t control it. I can’t cure it.’

Once your partner finds recovery and commits to it, education, patience and honest communication are key. Educate yourself on the recovery process and understand their recovery journey will and has to become, the most important thing in their life. Also understand this in no way diminishes their love for you. Be patient with your partner and yourself. The chaotic, drama-filled life you once led is now gone and will be replaced with meetings, meetings and more meetings. You need to give yourself and your partner time to settle into that routine and find the balance. Most importantly, speak openly and honestly with each other. There will be a lot of feelings on both sides and you need to be able to express those in a way that preserves the love that is there.

Ultimately, recovery is a lifelong commitment and it takes time. Being aware, having a support system for yourself and finding your own recovery is just as important as the recovery of your loved one with the addiction. If you do it with open, honest communication and love, you will find your relationship stronger than it has ever been and there is nothing the two of you can’t overcome!

If you find yourself in Nadine’s shoes, take heart in her story. There is hope for a restored relationship and you don’t have to do it alone. If you’re in need of a support community or insightful information, visit us at Recovery.org to explore some of your options.

If you or a loved one is affected by addiction and need help, you can visit recovery.org and rehabs.com.

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7 Ways Exercise Helped Me Work Through My Addiction Recovery

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Growing in Fort Collins, Colorado, was as easy as one can possibly imagine. Rather a small city, I didn’t have many friends to spend time with and mostly everyone knew each other’s’ parents. I used to go on walks near the woods and kept myself busy staring into the lake or the mountains in the background, which are covered by snow for the better part of the year.

My first contact with alcohol was when I was 13. A couple friends and I were listening to some records after school and we had some beers that the oldest brother of one in our group bought for us. When I realized what drinking was doing to me I felt like I could leave behind all my anxiety, worries and everything being shy brought along with it. It was fine and it felt good. We didn’t think anything bad of it at that time. Maybe if I had been more careful I could’ve still have had some drinks every now and then. But I’m way beyond the point of telling myself, “I wish I did this or that.”

Years went by and I eventually developed an addiction to alcohol. I felt embarrassed because none of my other friends got addicted to it. I started to drink almost all the time. I couldn’t keep any job for longer than a month or two, not to mention all my relationships went into inevitable doom. Everything went totally out of control and I didn’t realize until my family made an intervention. My brother helped get me involved in addiction and rehabilitation programs in our own city so I could still be close to them. Of course, it took me a while to realize I was having a problem, but when I look back into my past I still wonder sometimes, why me?

My family was a great support during my recovery process. I was really happy they understood it was a disease because in lots of cases I’ve heard of, there have been different situations when I wish people knew more about the topic before blaming or leaving. They were always coming up with ideas to distract me or keep me busy so I wouldn’t have bad thoughts or feel the need to drink again. My brother had always been the kind of guy who was into all type of sports and while I was attending the rehab program he suggested I should join him occasionally for some training or mild workouts. I’ve never really been a gym person, but since it was my brother I saw it as an opportunity to spend time with him and somehow make up for the pain I had caused him by being an alcoholic. In the end, that was simply one of the greatest ideas he’s ever had, and one of the best decisions I’ve ever made and here’s why.

1. It literally changed my life.

When we started going to the gym, my brother told me I might feel exhausted at the end of the session but in the long term, like everything that requires dedication, it would be worth it. As I went with him a couple days a week at the start, I began to spot some changes in my daily life. I was in a better mood. I felt less depressed and tired. I felt motivated to accomplish new things and my self-esteem improved a lot. It was like a new me. When I was working out I realized it was the first thing I put myself into with dedication and motivation. More than anything else I had ever done so far.

2. I slept a lot better.

Not only because I was exhausted after a good training session, but also because it relaxed my body and mind to the point that when I finally got the chance to rest, I fell on the bed like a rock. Addiction disrupted my sleeping pattern, so along with the treatment and the exercise, my body was trying to go back to normal and that meant having a balanced and healthy sleeping pattern.

3. I wasn’t stressed or anxious anymore.

One of the best things about exercise is that it gave me the peace I so desperately needed. I was releasing endorphins while working out which gave me a natural “high.” So on top of the fact that things were actually going well at that time, I also felt like they were. I could appreciate the progress a lot more because I was seeing how my body was changing due to our training sessions.

4. I felt healthy.

Abusing alcohol made changes on my body I really wanted to change back. When we started going to the gym I remember my brother telling me how I’d see changes not only in my muscles obviously, but also on my skin. After a couple months, I looked some years younger. It felt great. I could breath better and sleep better and I wasn’t even feeling the need to relapse that much because of how motivated and busy I was keeping myself with my brother.

5. My self-esteem went up.

I’ve never really considered myself an attractive person, it kind of runs in the family. But getting fit made me feel a lot better about myself. I wanted to grow my muscles and increase my strength. After months I was into the mirror and I could barely recognize myself. My brother wasn’t the only strong guy in the house anymore.

We even ended up doing some repairs in the house. My father had been asking my brother to do them for a long time but now that we had both of us, we took up the challenge. When we finished I reflected on how many great things are connected to each other and how I could see the physical results of my efforts, which also strengthened the relationships with my family. I’ve heard that when people exercise they feel more confident, optimistic and happy about themselves and their life. I was definitely feeling that way.

6. It made me meditate.

I had no idea about that at first, but an instructor at the gym told us that exercise has very similar effects on the body and the mind as meditation does. Concentrating on the effort, and focusing on the goals for the session can distract from any other issue that might be present in life. I remember just telling myself repeatedly one more minute, one more push-up, one more lift, etc. Nothing else mattered but what I wanted to achieve with my body at that moment.

7. It gave me a new outlook.

The chemical reactions going on inside my body have a lot to do with this, but overall seeing results made me feel more confident about my recovery process. We were setting small goals or benchmarks every time we went to the gym. And by achieving them I started to believe more in myself. The idea of overcoming my addiction didn’t look so unrealistic anymore because I was seeing that I could do anything I wanted if I put my motivation and dedication on it.

Going through recovery was hard regardless of how much support I got or whom I got it from. But it’s not impossible. I’ve learned many valuable lessons from this experience, and the best part of it is that most of them apply to every single human being. Dedication and motivation got me further than I ever thought I’d go. I’ve successfully completed my recovery program now. I have a wife and a baby coming soon and a wonderful nephew. It all is the result of a mixture of many things, but I know I owe a lot to exercise. I never felt this happy before, and I know that if I had never taken the chance my brother gave me, I probably wouldn’t have opened my mind and my life to all the wonderful things that came along.

If you’d like to ask a question or would like to suggest other benefits I might’ve forgotten to write, feel free to leave a comment below.

If you or a loved one is affected by addiction and need help, you can call SAMHSA’s hotline at 1-800-662-4357.

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What I've Learned From Being Sober in My 20s

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From the moment I took my first sip, smoked my first joint and snorted my first line, I was doomed. No matter what substance it was, it changed me. For me, there was no better feeling than getting intoxicated. Sure, I didn’t become a drug addict overnight, but it did happen gradually. I thought I was having the greatest time of my life in my teenage years, until it all came crashing down on me.

They say how spend your 20s will define you, but if you ask any 20-something, they will probably disagree. Your 20s are supposed to be the best time of your life. It is a time for maturing, having the time of your life and finding yourself. Everyone looks forward to turning 21. And no words can describe the ultimate freedom of ripping your first legal beer. But I managed to never take that first legal drink. I am halfway through my 20s and have spent the entire time sober.

Through all of high school, I mainly got high. I thought that was the point. I was always down for a wild time: whether it was a new drug, robbing someone, getting a fight or skipping school. I felt invincible. I basically was, at least for awhile. My parents would send me to outpatient rehab from time to time, but I would eventually end up getting high again. There was nothing they could do about it. I thought my drug habits were “not that bad.” All my friends got high just as much as me and in my eyes, I had no serious consequences. Yeah, nobody trusted me anymore and I didn’t make the cut for sports teams and my grades were plummeting, but none of that mattered to me, as long as I could get high.

The first time I got intoxicated, I was about 13-years-old. I really didn’t stop until I was 19. Getting high and partying had its ups and downs, but I would be lying if I said it wasn’t a blast at first. However, it finally all came crashing down on me and I was hit with the ultimate ultimatum. Go to rehab and stop using drugs for good or continue to use drugs and inevitably, have it kill me. I obviously chose rehab, because I otherwise wouldn’t be writing this article today.

On April 20, 2010, I got high for the last time. I honestly thought my life was over. I was only 19 and I knew if I wanted any success in life I would have to abstain from alcohol and drugs completely. But how could I? The drug addict lifestyle was the only lifestyle I knew. I had to make one change and that one change was everything. I decided to dedicate my life to AA and in turn, I received true happiness.

From an outsider’s point of view, I am no different than any other 25-year-old. I do the same thing everyone else is doing my age, except I do not drink or use drugs. Although this is a big difference, I have way more opportunities to have fun. For example, one summer I decided to travel around and go to various concerts, festivals and shows. Of course, the main attraction at these events is the drug scene. But I had the time of my life sober and I was able to enjoy every minute of each one. I used to spend every dollar I had on drugs but now that I’m sober, I can spend it on worthwhile things.

I managed to graduate college with a 3.0, lived in Israel for a year and do all of the hobbies I used to do as a kid. People who know me will tell you I have more fun than anyone they know. I live every day to the fullest because I know every single day I wake up sober is truly a blessing. When I was getting high, I pushed everyone out of my life. I only called my parents to ask for money, my siblings wanted nothing to do with me and my only friends were drug addicts like myself. Now, I have a great relationship with everyone in my family, friends who actually care about me and a normal nine-to-five job.

My obsession with using drugs has been lifted and if you ask anyone who struggles with addiction, it’s a dream come true. I have complete soundness of mind and with this, anything is possible. Thousands of people die each year from this horrible disease and I could have very easily been one of them. I was spared, for whatever reason. But now, my life’s mission is to figure it out. I have spent my 20s soul searching and committing to a better self. If your 20s are the age that define you, I am one lucky person, because I have been through the wire. And I’m now able to handle any adversity thrown my way. If you or a loved one is struggling with addiction, you have options — be in a rehab center (where I work now) or another treatment option, make the leap of faith and choose a life of sobriety and serenity

If you or a loved one is affected by addiction and need help, you can call SAMHSA’s hotline at 1-800-662-4357.

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There's No 'Look' to Having an Addiction

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Allow me to paint you a picture of two different people.

The first is a woman living in a beat up old house. There are needles lying on the floor and no furniture. She can’t function without drugs in her system. All she does all day is use and try and find more drugs.

The second person is a college student at a state university. She comes from an upper middle class family, is active on her campus and plans to teach. She goes out to party a lot and uses alcohol and pills to get through. But she maintains a 3.5 GPA and puts herself together each morning.

Which one has an addiction?

Most of you, I assume, would easily say the first one. However, the correct answer is both. But we as a society are taught to see them through very different lenses. One is a “junkie.” The other? Just a stressed college kid who hasn’t learned limits yet. The truth is though, they both have an addiction problem. And they both deserve validation and help. I know because I am the college student. And I am an addict. I can’t keep track of how many people have told me my addiction doesn’t count. That I’m just a college student. That until I overdose, it doesn’t matter. But that’s just not true. A person with an addiction is a person with an addiction.

What I’ve had to learn is that nobody but me gets to decide whether or not I have an addiction. In fact, I’m grateful I recognized it early, so I can get help.

If you or a loved one is affected by addiction and need help, you can call SAMHSA’s hotline at 1-800-662-4357.

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To the Recovering Parent: 5 Steps on Loving Children Beyond Your Addiction

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Almost two years have passed since my last drink. The road from addiction to recovery has been a heartbreaking and enlightening journey. And despite the pain, I’m thankful for who I am today.

But what still brings fear is the potential impact on my children.

In a clinical report by the American Academy of Pediatrics (1), the short and long term effects of substance abuse by parents on their children include adverse effects with:

  • mental health
  • emotional stability
  • educational performance
  • addiction

One study reports that children with substance abuse history in their families are eight times more likely to abuse substances in adulthood (2). Coupled with a genetic predisposition for depression that’s had an impact on my family for generations, I pray my children are spared this unfortunate life sentence.

But I’ve learned to thrive in recovery, I must let go of fear. To become a role model to my children, I must not lose myself in worry over the past. Fear inhibits the ability to move forward. So I carry the lessons from my past and leave the rest behind. I focus on new ways to live a life that’s worthy. I tend to the needs of my children and show how I love them. I may not change their destiny, but I can become the best version of myself while trying.

Here are some tools I’ve learned along the way.

1) Be honest about the past.

Being in recovery allows for a dose of humility if you are honest about the past. It doesn’t feel good to peel back layers of vulnerability that comes with admitting failures. Nor is it easy to venture into the painful parts of our past. And I don’t recommend doing this alone. Connecting with a good therapist, support group or online recovery community are a few avenues of support for what can be a challenging phase in recovery. Somehow, through discovering the root of pain, we understand the “why” behind our behaviors. And we can admit mistakes and seek forgiveness from our children.

2) Allow their feelings.

Children may struggle with expressing their feelings about addiction and recovery. Give them a safe platform and offer open-ended questions that encourage them to find their voice. A couple months into my recovery, my son appeared to have something to say but couldn’t find the words. I asked what he was thinking. After some thought, he said he could forgive but he wouldn’t forget. Even though my heart hurt to hear him speak the existence of his pain, it was important for us both.

3) Let time heal.

Early in recovery, I recognized my children were struggling with hurt and anger over my absence when I was at my worst. It came in the form of resistance, and I get it. The value of my opinion paled in comparison to those they relied on in my absence. And this lasted until I regained their trust with patience and understanding that the healing process takes time.

4) Be present in their lives.

To be present in my children’s lives is an amazing gift that continues to give. As my son makes a play on the field, I absorb the joy in his eyes because I was watching. After helping with homework, I embrace his hug because I was there. It’s these simple moments of presence when I feel l make a difference.

5) Cherish the now.

For almost two years, I barely existed as a human. And even less as a contributing parent. I believe motherhood is one of life’s greatest blessings, so this crushes me every time. But if I attach that shame to who I am now, I reduce the chance of loving my children past the pain. So from my heart I suggest, never forget the time lost with your children. But cherish the now. In the blink of an eye, children go on to live their own lives. But there’s so many milestones to reach and memories to create before we kiss them goodbye and watch them fly.

Will all this be enough? Time will only tell.

But maybe, the strength of unconditional love we have for our children becomes enough to mend the pain…and alters the direction of their predestined path.

(1) Pediatrics July 2016 From the American Academy of PediatricsClinical Report
(2) Merikangas, K. R., Stolar, M., Stevens, D. E., Goulet, J., et al., Familial transmission of substance use disorders. Arch Gen Psychiatry, 1998. 55(11): p. 973-9.

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5 Tips for Managing Money While You're Recovering From Addiction

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I spent the majority of my life wrestling with alcohol and drug addiction. It took a long time for me to realize I even had a problem. Rehab, support groups, Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) and Narcotics Anonymous (NA) meetings showed me ways to deal with spiritual, emotional and even physical aspects of recovery. Yet, what I wasn’t prepared for was the financial side of things.

During the peak of my addiction, money was nothing but a means to an end, the end being bigger and better highs. When I got into recovery the first time, money was a pretty big instrument to my relapse. I had a new job, suddenly had more money in my possession than I ever had before and the stresses of my “9 to 5” coupled with my well-satisfied wallet sent me straight down the dark path once more.

This time, I focused more on how to avoid relapse and manage triggers of all kinds, including financial ones. I learned about why relapse happens, and I learned that money as a trigger for relapse is actually much more common than I thought. No matter how well, or not so well, you managed money during your addiction, recovery will bring on all kinds of added difficulty to the situation. Not having enough money can cause you all kinds of stress and anxiety, while having too much poses an all too welcomed temptation.

In my last near decade of recovery, I have gathered the top tips to managing money as a person recovering from addiction and wanted to share them with all of you:

 

1. Learn to budget.

To be painfully honest with you, I had never organized money in any way while struggling with addiction. Bills came in and piled up, and I didn’t bat an eye. I didn’t really have a steady job. So my income varied greatly from week to week. I paid what I could, when I could, borrowed a lot and spent the majority of what I had to fuel my addiction. After my relapse, I knew things had to be done differently so that I could stay on the right path. I had a family member teach me how to organize myself financially.

When you’re in recovery, most programs require you to find a job of some sort. When I was in the process of finding one, I made sure to map out a monthly budget according to:

  • How much money I had — the amount of money that was already in my bank or in my possession.
  • How much money I would make — the amount coming in via my paychecks.
  • How much money I owe — any debts that needed settling.
  • How much money I would need to spend — hydro, electric, internet, phone or any other kind of bills, along with money for groceries and other basic necessities.

Believe it or not, having a sense of control over my finances helped me feel accomplished and like I was on the right path. I planned my expenses in a way that I never had too much month at the end of the money.

2. Differentiate between “optional” and “mandatory.”

One thing I struggled with in recovery was differentiating what I absolutely needed from what I craved to help substitute my drug and alcohol dependence. Before my relapse, I spent loads of money on unnecessary things. When I sat down to create my monthly budget, a good friend of mine had me apply Maslow’s hierarchy of needs to ensure I didn’t give myself too much financial wiggle room.

At first, I stuck with factoring in only my basic needs:

  • Physiological needs — costs related to food, drink, shelter, sleep and warmth
  • Safety needs — costs related to security and safety (such as insurance)

When I began to feel more confident and in control of myself in recovery, which took me nearly two years, I allowed a strict amount for psychological needs:

  • Belonging and love — costs related to relationships, intimacy, receiving and giving affection, and so on (this would include gifts, dates, lunches and dinners with friends)
  • Esteem — costs related to mastery of a subject, art or sport, as well as achievement in those areas. (I started taking computer and internet related classes at a local college and got a gym membership.)

This next section, self-actualization, is a more long-term thing. It’s about seeking personal fulfillment and peak experiences. This came five years into recovery. I felt stable, and I could comfortably manage the temptation of being around alcohol or any other substance. I planned a trip with two close friends to Italy and traveled the countryside. It was one of the experiences of my life, and I’m glad I waited to get as far as I did into recovery because I was able to enjoy the trip that much more.

3. Set goals.

When in recovery and you have extra money that is not going toward your necessities, it is difficult to deny the temptation to go out and spend to your heart’s content.

The key is to set short-term and long-term saving goals. Whether the savings go toward paying off debts or buying something important to you, the important thing is to set goals. Write them down, visualize them and always remember them. This will help on those days that you feel as if temptation may just get the best of you.

4. Do not carry credit or debit cards.

This one is key, especially when you are first starting out. Carrying credit or debit cards on you is simply too much temptation. You should only carry as much money as your budget entails and leave the rest out of sight, out of mind. If you carry a card that can easily give you access to more money, then things can too easily get out of hand.

It might be best to keep the cards with someone you trust or just cancel them. Having to go to a bank teller to withdraw money is just an extra step that serves as protection against random impulses. When you feel confident that you no longer feel the itch to buy unnecessary things or use money unnecessarily, experiment by carrying a debit card for a day. The second you feel the itch, get rid of the card.

5. Find financial resources and people to help.

When in doubt, there are tons of resources available to help with budgeting, banking, saving and general money management. Luckily, I have people in my life who have always been responsible with their money and who were able to show me the ropes. If you can find someone close to help you with it, then great. If not, then there are great apps, tools and websites that can also help.

Money management may be mentioned much less than various other tools on the road to recovery, but the feeling of financial freedom was a definite weight off my shoulders. Money is one of the things you can learn to control rather than have it control you. Knowing that you have power over your financial situation will give your recovery the boost that you’re looking for.

If you or a loved one is affected by addiction and need help, you can call SAMHSA’s hotline at 1-800-662-4357.

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