What I Do When My Major Depression Returns
The elephant on my heart and chest, the agony of facing the day, the fear of seeing people and overall sense of hopelessness.
I also know the feeling of freedom, joy, energy and enthusiasm for life.
That is why when I have a couple of good weeks without experiencing depression, it brings me to such a feeling of defeat and frustration when it rears its ugly head again.
When it comes back I question exactly what it could be that brought it back on:
Did I take my meds?
Did I forget to stay away from sugar and gluten? Because for me, there is a correlation.
Am I tired?
Did someone say something to me that could have brought me down?
All these questions run through my mind, which actually makes it worse because I have not come to the place of fully accepting this will always be part of my life.
I fear my depression to be 100 percent honest.
It scares me because of my thoughts of wishing I wasn’t living anymore. That’s my escape in my head; I can imagine not being here and not having to fight these demons.
Feelings of being unworthy, unloving, unsafe and hopeless dance through my mind, which when my depression has a mission to take me down.
So what do I do?
I tell myself it will pass. I tell myself it’s a condition and not to listen to the negative voice. I tell myself that despite the amount of pain and fear I am in, the sun will come back again.
If you need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, the Trevor Project at 1-866-488-7386 or text “START” to 741-741.
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Thinkstock photo via jarino47