What It's Like to Look for a Job While Feeling Depressed


Looking for a job while experiencing depression illuminates how thick a slice of self-confidence can be that gets hacked off in the process. Just like that. I’m not talking about the “normal” kind of insecurity that reminds us we’re human. The kind that well meaning friends, family and lovers point to in an effort to bring you some calm, to help you feel not so alone. Because, “everyone feels insecure at some point. You’re not the only one who feels this way.” But it can feel so desperately alone.

Things like items on bullet-pointed lists of job postings that interest you, but sum up requirements that seem improbable for you to fulfill. Fearing colleagues you imagine you would work with already dislike you and wonder why you were offered the position. Worrying you’ve fallen behind on your task list for a project you’ve not yet been hired to manage. Depression is a creative jerk. It creates colorful cognitive dioramas, falsely foreboding failures and fissures. It’s a fucked up fantasy. Debilitating bullshit serum. It’s a snake with three heads. A tiger with tentacled talons. A shade of black too dark for the human eye to see.

Besides feeling this way sometimes — fearful, hesitant, twittered, jittery — I also do the things I enjoy (like record silly raps for potential employers and Vanilla Ice covers) and have meaningful interactions with people. I’m not always depressed or anxious, but sometimes I am. Sometimes my mind feels like a cognitive stew with a side salad. Sometimes my mood rides out pretty smooth an entire day. Sometimes my body and mind course through multiple moods by noon.

Follow this journey on Silent Retreat.

We want to hear your story. Become a Mighty contributor here.

Thinkstock photo via KatarzynaBialasiewicz.


Find this story helpful? Share it with someone you care about.


Related to Depression

Happy girl taking jar with jam while having tea with friends

5 Reasons Why My Friends Make Me Afraid Sometimes in Mental Illness Recovery

First off, I want to thank you. I have so many things to thank you for. Moments when you have cheered me on, moments when you have held me while crying, moments when you have made me smile, even while in the throes of depression. You are some of the reasons I have continued to [...]
Watercolor Fashion Woman with Long Hair. Vector Illustration. Stylish Design for Beauty Salon Flyer or Banner. Girl Silhouette. Cosmetics. Beauty. Health and spa. Fashion themes.

5 Things I Want People Who 'Mean Well' to Know About My Depression and Anxiety

To the people who say or do unhelpful things, I know you probably mean well, and in writing this, so do I. Here’s what I need you to understand and what you can do to actually help. 1. My conditions are my responsibility, not my fault.  I have an invisible disability, as well as anxiety and [...]
A young female college student study books outside of library.

Why Making the Decision to Leave College for My Mental Health Was Difficult, but Necessary

Last week, I dropped out of college. Wait, I hate that expression. Dropped out. Let’s rephrase. I left college. I no longer go to college. Or maybe, I decided college was not the right thing for me right now. That’s better. You see what I did there? I stated my action like it was a [...]
Portrait of young beautiful girl with crazy psychedelic red hair and her dreams, wishes, hobbies - lifestyle concept.

10 Tips for Improving Your Mental Health

They say that when life hands you lemons, cut them into wedges and have tequila shots. I believe it is all about how you look at a situation that will determine how you react to it. While it isn’t always easy to reframe things in a positive light if you are struggling with depression or [...]