As someone on the autism spectrum, I can get overwhelmed and overstimulated at times. This doesn’t always deter me from wanting to join in large social events, however. (I personally tend to be a social butterfly.) So when my friends asked me to join them at one, I decided to try.
We got onto the train that would take us to the event, and automatically I became a bit nervous. The train was much more crowded than usual. By the time we arrived at the station, I was feeling overwhelmed by the large amount of people and movement.
I began to drift away in my mind. I put on my sunglasses even though it was raining, trying to reduce the visual input. Soon after, I simply grabbed onto my friend’s hand and they led me through the crowds. Some music started, and so I put in earplugs. But it wasn’t so much the noise that was bothering me as the movement. Everything I looked at was moving in some way. By the time the event was over, I was still lost in my mind.
The best way I can describe my personal experience would be similar to being lost in a cave. The inside of the cave is my mind, and the cave walls are formed to block the sensory overload and overstimulation. I don’t want to be in there. I want to connect with the outside world. But I can’t find the exits. Or when I finally do, it’s only for a moment. I finally process what someone has said to me, and respond. But then I get sucked back into the cave again. It’s not always a choice for me, but my brain’s automatic response.
My friends helped me to get away from the crowds, and we ended up in a quieter restaurant for lunch. After maybe 30 more minutes of drifting in and out of my mental cave, I finally felt like I could process the world around me again.
Sensory overload and overstimulation is very real to me, and my reaction to it is not necessarily a choice. Only when I can get time and space in a calm environment will I be able to find the exits out of my mental cave I’m lost in.
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