Things I Wish Depression Didn't Make Me Do Every Day
Editor’s note: If you experience suicidal thoughts, the following post could be potentially triggering. You can contact the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741.
My depression overcomes me like a sudden bolt of lightning on a cloudy day; I expect it but never anticipate its full force hitting me. My heart races, I begin to feel my wrists and legs clench and all I can focus on are these extra thoughts running through my mind. It’s a constant dialogue as if I had the devil and an angel sitting on my shoulders. I persevere, though the days are exasperating.
Every day, I wake up panicked, scared and confused.
Every day, I lie to everyone I love, simply by answering “I’m OK” to “How are you?”
Every day, I make a list of things to do I know I will never be able to accomplish.
Every day, I tell myself I will do my laundry this time.
Every day, I throw my hair up in a bun instead of putting in the effort of actually looking decent.
Every day, someone says “You look tired,” and I make up excuses when really I slept 14 hours and I am still exhausted.
Every day, I wonder how people can be so oblivious to the things surrounding them, just because they are laughing.
Every day, I tell myself I will not amount to anything in my life simply because I am too lazy.
Every day, I find comfort in eating more and more sugary foods while lying in bed watching another episode of some show on Netflix.
Every day, I need to consciously stop myself from ending my life.
Every day, I worry about the consequences I think others struggle with because of my mental health.
Every day, I apologize simply because I have an opinion, even if it’s something as small as preferring ice cream over cake.
I know my mental illness controls my life. I know I am stronger than this. I know I will eventually be able to manage the emotions that come along with them.
Today just isn’t that day.
But tomorrow might be.
If you need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, the Trevor Project at 1-866-488-7386 or text “START” to 741-741.
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Thinkstock photo via KatarzynaBialasiewicz.