When Depression Convinces Me There's No Hope
Things can get better for a short while, and I feel like I can recover, but then I go back in my circle and I feel helpless again, like I don’t deserve recovery. I’ve been kicking and screaming my way through darkness to try to find a better way out, a reason to live. A part of me feels like I’m getting better, and the rest of me is telling me to end it again. Some days I feel like there’s no point in trying, that I’m not desirable or worthy of anyone’s love for that matter, that I don’t deserve good things, and some days I struggle to find reasons to keep fighting.
Other days, I know I need to keep fighting, and I look up to the people I love most to lift me up and pull me back out of my hole again.
But the question is, when will this cycle end? When will I feel worth it? When will I find a purpose in living? The days get harder and harder as they pass, but I’m trying to have hope in the fact that the people in my life are staying for a reason. That these scars mean something. That there is a reason I survive every attempt. That there’s a reason I survive every night I’m up until 4 a.m., begging myself not to hurt myself, to stop crying, begging myself to not try to end it again.
I’m trying to get through a day without completely breaking down. I’m trying to get through sitting with my family in the living room without feeling like crying and running back to my room because I’m overwhelmed. I’m trying to listen to what people are saying instead of staring into space, telling the thoughts that won’t stop racing through my mind to stop racing. I’m trying to get out of bed in the morning, but I find no purpose.
That’s how depression works: it overpowers your brain. It confuses you. But one day, I, and you, can find a way to overpower depression.
For now, I have to take the good things the people who believe in me say about me and believe about me and keep them locked inside, even if I don’t believe them, because those are the things that can save lives.
I hope I can make it through this. I doubt myself sometimes, but I shouldn’t. I just need to believe in the fact that I am here for a reason, and I’ve survived awful things for a reason.
Because we are all good enough for life. We can come out of this and say we survived. We can say we are warriors. We can’t let our minds win. We can’t let this darkness take us from what we most deserve. We can recover from this.
If you need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, the Trevor Project at 1-866-488-7386 or text “START” to 741-741.
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Thinkstock photo by Daria Zu