Three Years After Losing My Baby to SIDS

I wouldn’t say it gets easier, but it does change. The beginning is so different from one to two to three years, but the missing and longing never goes away. You just learn to live with it and give yourself room and permission to feel it.

“How are you doing?” I get asked this often, especially when it’s angelversary time. There is no easy answer. No formula to get through the day — the worst day of my life. This day is and will always be dreaded and mourned. It is, after all, the day my 8-month, 26-day old son was taken from me, when all my hopes for the future ended and turned to memories. There felt as if there was no future without him. Along with my child, I lost pieces of myself. My identity as a mother to a boy, a mother of three, naivety when it came to parenting and the sense of a complete family. There will always be a piece missing where Dylan used to be and should be.

Today, I think of how you would be at almost 4 years old. You would already be in preschool and you would be going to Sunday school every week. I think you would love toy trucks and “Star Wars” because of your daddy, Disney princess movies and dress-up because of your sisters, and story and cooking time because of Mommy. You would be the perfect mixture of rough and tumbly along with your ever-present sensitive heart. Your hair would be blonder than ever and your crystal blue eyes would twinkle with joy. I miss you every day bubsy, but what gets me through all the difficult times, when the loss threatens to overwhelm, is knowing, one day, we will be reunited. I look forward to hearing you laugh again and finally getting to dance with you while choirs of angels sing. Oh, what a glorious day that will be when I see you again and nothing will separate us. Until then, I will continue to hold vigil. You are not forgotten. You are still loved beyond words, and never doubt, Mommy will be with you one day.

Baby with one hand raised, wearing an orange shirt

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