Why I'm Never Going Back to My Eating Disorder

Editor’s note: If you live with an eating disorder, the following post could be potentially triggering. You can contact the Crisis Text Line by texting “NEDA” to 741-741.

In honor of my fourth day out of residential treatment for my eating disorder (ED), here are four reasons why I’m never going back.

1. Because I have passions. Because I care a whole lot about this world we inhabit. Out of all the things my eating disorder gave me, apathy was one of the worst. My eating disorder made me complacent, ambivalent, and that is not me. I want my biggest concern to be how I’m going to change the world, not how I’m going to change my body.

2. Because I love learning. I was never meant to spend my days memorizing the number of calories in an apple or a protein bar. The universe contains multitudes and I crave to understand more than how to calculate my BMI.

3. Because I deserve to be me. When I was in the throes of my eating disorder, I thought it was what made me special and interesting. I want to be myself, not my sick self or recovering self.

4. Because I was never meant to shrink. I am meant to grow into my world, to make it my own. ED told me I don’t deserve to take up space. I will never go back to my eating disorder because I deserve to embody myself, and I deserve happiness.

If you or someone you know is struggling with an eating disorder, you can call the National Eating Disorders Association Helpline at 1-800-931-2237.

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Thinkstock photo via Aleksandr Ledogorov.