Why I Love and Despise the Days I'm Not Consumed With Overthinking
Almost every single second I’m awake I am constantly overthinking everything. I’m thinking about what actions to take, what words to say, how I’m presenting myself, etc., and then I think what the consequences might be for each. I can come up with so many options for so many situations (most being exaggerated). Basically, I’m trying to prepare myself for anything and everything that could happen in a given situation. In my head, I do this so I will choose the least “bad” or “wrong” thing. To my mind, I’m doing this as a way to prevent any kind of trouble and to prevent getting hurt in any way. Even when I think I’ve chosen the least bad thing, I still have so much doubt that it will be OK or good enough. Then, after I do or say whatever, I go into thinking how it might have been taken and I judge myself so negatively. I always find fault with something.
I can’t possibly ever prepare myself enough for the future. There will always be unexpected factors I hadn’t thought of and things that just can’t be planned for. However, I still try. It’s so exhausting. It’s like thinking a thousand thoughts about one thing while thinking of a thousand more on another different thing and so on. Unfortunately, I don’t know any other way of thinking so that’s how it is for now.
A good day, for me, is one where I feel productive and I feel like I’m contributing to society. It’s a day where I am kept busy with things I really enjoy. There’s a line between enjoyable busywork and stressful busywork which ends up not being good. When I have good days I get a break from that thinking. It is really, really nice to be free from the self-doubt. I feel more hope, happiness, and a tiny bit of confidence. I can be present in the moment instead of in my head.
When I get home from a good day, all that overthinking and doubt and negativity comes crashing back. It hits me so hard that I almost fear having good days. I get a taste of what my life could be without that thinking, but then it comes back and I can’t seem to stop it. I feel disappointed that I can’t seem to control it myself, I feel sad that I go back to the exhausting thinking, and I feel a loss of hope that I might one day live a life where there are more good days than bad.
I love the good days because they’re so enjoyable and I feel free from myself. At the same time, I despise the good days because it seems to amplify what happens on a daily basis for me, which makes it seem harder for a day. Then I get used to it again, the normal state of my mind.
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Thinkstock photo by AMilkin