A Note on Anxiety and Breakups
Yesterday, I broke up with my boyfriend of a year and a half.
For the past few months, my anxiety has been weighing on my conscious; I had been considering breaking up with my boyfriend, even though I cared for him so much.
I felt so much physical pain at the thought of ending our relationship but also at the fact that there would be a lot of pain afterwards once that relationship was broken. I try to avoid pain in any way possible, so I held off speaking the truth for months. Honestly, that probably cost me (and him) the most pain in the end.
Right now, it’s hard for me to think very clearly. It’s hard to remember the reasons as to why I ended things with him. All I can remember are the good times we had together and the fact that I can’t bear to lose those memories. Being in a relationship with him helped me to grow into the person I am today.
However, I’m constantly questioning whether I made the right decision or not. My brain and my heart are almost speaking two different languages: my brain says I made the right decision, but my heart says it’s not time to let go.
He was, and still is, my best friend. I can feel it in my heart. My whole body may hurt now, and this whole situation may suck for both of us, but it was probably the best one. Even if it wasn’t the best decision, I still have a whole future in front of me to figure it out. If it’s meant to be, we’ll find each other again. Hopefully by then, we will both have grown up and will understand how to treat someone else in a relationship. Maybe right now we need to grow into our own, separate people. We both need to find ourselves and find out what is ultimately important in a life partner.
My heart is aching, and I’m sure his is too. We both lost someone important to us, and it’s going to take a while to recover. However, it is important to remember that in times like this, it (eventually) gets better. It’s just hard to see the end of the tunnel now because I’m at the beginning of it. As time passes, the distance gets shorter, and the end seems more reachable everyday.
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Thinkstock photo by Nikodash