Editor’s note: If you experience suicidal thoughts, the following post could be potentially triggering. You can contact the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741.
The man in my body isn’t me. I look in the mirror and all I see is a pained and broken man. I smile, but it’s always fake. I laugh, but it’s fake. I love to laugh and smile, but nothing I do or nothing anyone else does can bring them to be real. Nothing.
When I was little I remember running around in my backyard laughing and twirling sticks around. I remember the happiness in my eyes. Where did I go? Why is there deadness in my eyes now?
I remember having friends and enjoying so many activities. Where did they go? Where did my enjoyment go?
I remember when medication was for sickness, not to make myself feel happy. I remember when alcohol was for fun, not to drown my sorrows. I remember how sleep was just to sleep, not to save myself from numbness, anger and pain.
I remember when mirrors were to see how good I looked, not to see my flaws. I remember when the highest place in the world was my father’s shoulders. I remember when I didn’t try and kill myself.
What ever happened? Now my life is full of heartbreak, alcohol and blood. Now my blue eyes bring me no pleasure. My features have disappeared. I can no longer bring myself to eat. Sleep is my only escape.
Depression has completely taken over me and turned me into a man I have no desire to be. I miss being able to truly laugh and smile. I miss the light I used to have in my eyes. I miss being able to go out and have fun with friends.
The man in my body isn’t me. It’s a monster. A depressed monster who wants to kill themselves. It’s a demon that had nowhere to go but here.
Everywhere I go, it follows suit. Every time I feel happy, it takes it away. It takes my hunger away.
If you or someone you know needs help, visit our suicide prevention resources page.
If you need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, the Trevor Project at 1-866-488-7386 or text “START” to 741-741.
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Thinkstock photo via Marjan_Apostolovic
Hello. Welcome to my profile. My name is Chris and I identify as a biromantic/gray-ace transgender male. I suffer from PTSD, bipolar depression, insomnia, anxiety, as well as several different physical ailments.
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