Why the Man in My Body Isn't Me
Editor’s note: If you experience suicidal thoughts, the following post could be potentially triggering. You can contact the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741.
The man in my body isn’t me. I look in the mirror and all I see is a pained and broken man. I smile, but it’s always fake. I laugh, but it’s fake. I love to laugh and smile, but nothing I do or nothing anyone else does can bring them to be real. Nothing.
When I was little I remember running around in my backyard laughing and twirling sticks around. I remember the happiness in my eyes. Where did I go? Why is there deadness in my eyes now?
I remember having friends and enjoying so many activities. Where did they go? Where did my enjoyment go?
I remember when medication was for sickness, not to make myself feel happy. I remember when alcohol was for fun, not to drown my sorrows. I remember how sleep was just to sleep, not to save myself from numbness, anger and pain.
I remember when mirrors were to see how good I looked, not to see my flaws. I remember when the highest place in the world was my father’s shoulders. I remember when I didn’t try and kill myself.
What ever happened? Now my life is full of heartbreak, alcohol and blood. Now my blue eyes bring me no pleasure. My features have disappeared. I can no longer bring myself to eat. Sleep is my only escape.
Depression has completely taken over me and turned me into a man I have no desire to be. I miss being able to truly laugh and smile. I miss the light I used to have in my eyes. I miss being able to go out and have fun with friends.
The man in my body isn’t me. It’s a monster. A depressed monster who wants to kill themselves. It’s a demon that had nowhere to go but here.
Everywhere I go, it follows suit. Every time I feel happy, it takes it away. It takes my hunger away.
If you need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, the Trevor Project at 1-866-488-7386 or text “START” to 741-741.
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Thinkstock photo via Marjan_Apostolovic