When You’re Anything but OK
Let’s get real with each other. You’re struggling. I can see it. Your family can see it. Hell, even you can see it. The problem is you’re not sure how to fix it anymore. You started out so hopeful and bright eyed, but now here you are, just trying to get yourself out of bed. You’re trying to remind yourself the reasons why life is worth living.
It started out like a regular day. You were just a ‘normal’ person, casually walking through the streets when it happened. “Is this it?” your brain asked you. You tried to shake that thought from your head. Is this really all there is? Is this how life is supposed to feel? Is 20 percent of the time being happy enough? Do you really give a shit about yourself anymore? Why are you even here?
The harder you fight to have those thoughts disappear, the more they continue to pop up until you can’t breathe. Until you can no longer handle it and you collapse. Struggling for air. Tears streaming down your face. It’s pain. It’s pure, extreme pain.
So while you try to beat your demons on your own, your family and friends are watching. Confused on how to help. They don’t know whether to bring it up or let it go. They don’t know if this is just a bad day or week or month or year. They don’t know if this is a passing phase or if you’re going to continue to pretend that you’re fine.
Honey, you’re not fine.
You’re not fine if you walk around in a haze. A haze that clouds everything great in your life. We all go through tough times. We all have times in our lives when we need to fight harder to see the good instead of the bad. We all have times where life really just isn’t giving us any breaks. We feel as though we’re the only people going through this. We feel like this storm is never going to pass.
You feel things start to slip, too. At work you can barely concentrate on the tasks in front of you. You miss things. You never miss things. You go one day without a shower and that’s OK, but by day three of not giving a shit how you look you realize that’s not the person you used to be. You even start pretending you’re busy in order to not be around people. Going out in public, surrounded by different bodies, is your current nightmare.
Your depression has gotten the worst of you. You wonder again if this is it. Is this what life is going to be from now on? Is this your new normal? If it is, then you’re not sure you even want to keep doing this. You feel so worn down, so tired of continuously trying only to be pushed right back down to the bottom again. Again and again you fight and again and again you lose. You’re losing the battle internally because you’re just so exhausted.
Resilience. This word has come up. You’re wondering if you would be considered resilient because of the amount of times you’ve come back from the darkest places in your mind. Your bounce back isn’t as quick as it used to be. Now you’re just struggling. You’re floundering. You’re down right losing your battle to your internal demons. You’d like to go one goddamn day without crying. Is that too much to ask?
So while everyone can see you’re stressed and you can feel it, what can you do to help lift some of the weight on your back?
You need to talk about it. You need to allow someone else to help you with what you feel like would only be a burden. You need to be able to admit when it’s too hard and you need to be able to talk to someone, anyone, when you need help.
I know that’s not easy. It’s definitely easier said than done. But if you don’t do it, if you don’t start talking or start allowing someone to see you in those vulnerable moments, the harder it will be to find yourself again.
So don’t keep everything to yourself. Someone who loves you wants to be able to help you. All you have to do is let them.
If you or someone you know needs help, visit our suicide prevention resources page.
If you need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, the Trevor Project at 1-866-488-7386 or text “START” to 741-741.
We want to hear your story. Become a Mighty contributor here.
Thinkstock photo via evgenyatamanenko