When You Feel Like You're Drowning in Your Negative Thoughts
Editor’s note: If you experience suicidal thoughts, the following post could be potentially triggering. You can contact the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741.
Gasping for air in this poisonous concoction of shame, embarrassment, guilt and rejection.
Remembering, experiencing events as if they were still happening.
My brain feels suffocated, in desperate need for somebody to crack me open and release an overflow of fear, hurt and shame.
Instead, it builds up inside of me, pushing against my body, dying to spill out.
Letting my guard down — if only for a minute — and surrendering to the thoughts would sweep away my sanity in a single wave. I would fall to my knees and bend over in agony as streams of “madness” run down my face.
The piercing scream, eventually muffled as my lungs become saturated with the sudden enormity of the task to stay alive.
It used to be easier; I had developed ways to suppress, to outsmart, to live with the thoughts — but they grew stronger, eventually outsmarting the life vest I’ve built to keep me afloat.
Like a needle, with just one prick the air has escaped and now I’m drowning.
I almost let myself go completely and allow full immersion of my body and mind into the abyss until a dim light shines from a distance.
It could be from the place where I’ve not yet explored, where there is more to experience, more to learn.
In that moment I decide to allow myself a chance of life beyond the thoughts I already have.
I’ll continue to resuscitate myself after drowning in these thoughts.
As weak as my limbs feel, as sore and dry as my throat is, I will continue moving forward, only forward, with the hope that somewhere in the future, something better lies on dry land.
If you need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, the Trevor Project at 1-866-488-7386 or text “START” to 741-741.
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Thinkstock photo via supershabashnyi