What the Fact That I'm Still Alive Proves
It was 25 years ago that my Uncle Ricky died by suicide.
It was 25 years ago that I called 911 as I watched my dad take his last breath.
It was 24 years ago that I acquired a stepfather.
It was 24 years ago my life so abruptly changed.
Yet, I survived.
It was 13 years ago I got married at the young age of 20.
It was 11 years ago I became a mom.
It was 10 years ago I became a mom again.
It was in this time I learned my child was chronically ill.
It was during this time I began to mentally suffer.
But, I persisted.
It was seven years ago that I came to a mental health facility seeking treatment.
I am mentally ill.
It has been through the years that I grew to love the safety of this place.
I grew to love inpatient and residential stays because nothing could harm me.
I grew attached to its security, the people, the help, the comfort I found there.
I grew to be brave.
Now, I hate being inpatient more than words can describe.
I don’t need that level of care any more.
I’ve kept going when I wanted to give up.
I am a warrior.
I have survived suicide attempts through intentional car wrecks, overdoses and more.
I’m a survivor.
My head is still filled with anxiety, mood changes, PTSD, depression.
My mind still torments me with eating disorder behaviors that cause me to stumble through binging, purging and restricting.
I still have a long way to go to learn to deal.
But I’m still a warrior.
This week, I was told my son will receive his wish from Kids Wish Network.
It was a reminder of the real possibility we may outlive him.
It reminded me that I am still scared.
It reminded me that while I feel like I’m a burden, I really do still need therapy.
It reminded me I’m strong, but I still need someone to help me find my inner strength as I fight.
I realize that I still need people to stand by me and support me.
My insecurities tell me I’m a burden.
They tell me I’m nothing but an annoyance.
They are a lie.
This week I’ve learned I need six months of chemo due to cancer markers in my blood.
This week as I reflected on my life I’ve concluded:
I am OK.
I’ve got this.
I’ve made it this far.
I’m a warrior.
I’m a survivor.
I’ve made it to now and I will continue to make it.
I am strong.
I believe my illness drags me down and fills my head with lies sometimes, and I may get scared, but I think the fact that I am still alive proves that I can do this.
If you or someone you know needs help, visit our suicide prevention resources page.
If you need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, the Trevor Project at 1-866-488-7386 or text “START” to 741-741.
We want to hear your story. Become a Mighty contributor here.
Thinkstock photo via Ola_Tarakanova