What It Really Means When I Say 'I Am Not Feeling Well'

Editor’s note: If you struggle with self-harm or suicidal thoughts, the following post could be potentially triggering. You can contact the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741. For a list of ways to cope with self-harm urges, click here.

“I am not feeling well” does not just mean the temperature you see on the thermometer; it also means my body and its burning desire to no longer be alive.

“I am not feeling well” does not just mean my head feels heavy and I want to sleep; it also means my heart is sinking to my feet and I physically feel it in my veins.

“I am not feeling well” does not just mean I need a painkiller to take away the pain; it also means I am thinking about self-harming in order to feel something.

“I am not feeling well” does not just mean the food I ate is making me feel like throwing up; it also means my entire existence makes me sick to the point of death.

“I am not feeling well” does not just mean I will feel better after I take this nap; it also means I will take nap after nap after nap after nap, hoping to feel alive again.

“I am not feeling well” does not just mean my joints hurt and I need to slow down; it also means my body is tired of fighting a losing battle and I give up.

Because some days, I wear my depression. Some days, my depression wears me.

If you or someone you know needs help, visit our suicide prevention resources page.

If you need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, the Trevor Project at 1-866-488-7386 or text “START” to 741-741.

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