My Badass Journey After an Adrenal Crisis
This feels difficult to write. As I sit here, I want to hide from the picture that my horse trainer took yesterday; but, I decided no. I’m gonna take the win because sometimes those first steps are the hardest. And these are my vulnerable first steps.
I train with a 17hh warmblood horse partner. He’s a Holsteiner/Thoroughbred and a former Grand Prix Jumper. I haven’t been able to ride since December, when I experienced my first real adrenal crisis. It’s a condition that can become life threatening within 30 minutes. The treatment is steroids and slow increase in stamina. My horse is central to my life. Not being able to ride has been among the most challenging aspects of my healing journey. I’m lucky I survived it. Many aren’t as lucky.
The fatigue that comes with pituitary dysfunction is indescribable. Mine was slow to fail after a traumatic brain injury six years ago. It wasn’t until I was hypothermic in the emergency room that we finally put the endocrine pieces together.
As I’ve rebooted my body, I’ve slowly developed the ability to move again. Forcing myself to move would just lead to a crash. So I rehabilitated slowly. It started with feeding my goats every day back in February. Then getting the mail. Then driving. Then mowing. Then hand-walking my big horse. Then grooming. And finally, after six months, I finally got to ride again!
Riding him is like doing yoga while running up a mountain carrying 2000 pounds between my legs and 50 pounds in my hands – that’s because I can’t just pleasure ride on my big boy. He’s a literal war-horse. He’s big and powerful enough that he could kill me if he wanted to, but sometimes the things big enough to kill me are also the things big enough to heal me.
So that’s not the vulnerable part. The hardest part is not recognizing myself in the pictures….I have what’s called a Cushingoid appearance from the steroids. That means my neck and tummy are swollen with water. I have to get four liters of IV fluids every week because I also have Dysautonomia, which just makes the swelling worse. It’s temporary, but it’s where I am. I feel like hiding sometimes. People can be judgmental, but that matters less than my own judgment. I’m coming to unconditional self-acceptance. That’s the badass journey!
The truth is that I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life. I’m not going to wait to embrace the joy. It’s this moment that matters…and in this moment a gorgeous deer just bounded into my yard where I’m sitting in the sun after mowing my lawn. And I’m alive.
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There are terms to describe my creativity…words like “Synesthesia, Acquired Savantism and Accidental Genius” are all thrown about among experts talking about how I suddenly discovered the ability to paint in 2011 after a Traumatic Brain Injury. But this isn’t just a story of painting; it is my experience of transformation. I was an award-winning entrepreneur and nationally recognized business strategist in home health and hospice before the “mild” traumatic brain injury that changed my life. I was married at the time, at the pinnacle of my career, with a 2 year old daughter. In between business trips, I went to Costco to get a bag of cat food. While loading groceries, the hatch/tailgate of my SUV suddenly dropped on my head. Although I never lost consciousness, my life changed in an instant. Immediately, my career ended and I began a walk into the unknown. Shortly thereafter, I discovered that I could paint. I was not an artist before the accident; but suddenly, painting was as easy as breathing. With a new language – that of color – I transformed into an insatiable artist overnight. This is what it means to be an Acquired Savant. I am self-taught, and I have never taken an art class. I simply sat on the floor of the art store and allowed my hands to explore what felt right. That was the Summer of 2011. I am very fortunate that I do not have many of the tradeoffs that go with Acquired Savantism; Dr. Treffert calls this scenario “Accidental Genius.” My journey through art heals me, even as I continue to discover new health conditions as a result of the injury. I have Dysautonomia (POTS), Pituitary Dysfunction, Adrenal Insufficiency, Migraines, and other issues that impact day to day living. Still, I feel called to help others. Today, I am the same person that I always was; I have simply deepened in ways I never could have imagined. With my CEO days in the rear view mirror, I now study Theology – I’m getting my Masters of Divinity. I spend time with people that live outside – they are my teachers. I have a little menagerie of animals including goats, bulldog, cats, fish and horse – my horse is my physical therapist. I paint constantly in order to express the inexpressible. And…I am a single parent to a beautiful daughter – she is my greatest gift.
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