When My Medication Doesn't Save the Day From Depression
My medication has been saving my life for the past month now. I finally found one that works. I am grateful every day for those two pills I take in the morning.
Today was different though. I woke up at 5 a.m., which is no different from any other day considering I deal with a multitude of sleeping problems. I fell back asleep at 7 a.m. and woke up at 10 a.m. I’m exhausted, fatigued and I have absolutely no energy to do anything, so I grab a cup of hot coffee and my medication to hopefully save the day. After I chug my cup of coffee, I decide to lie in bed.
At this point, I should have known something was wrong because after three months of partial hospitalization, I got myself out of the habit of napping to avoid life. Yet I fall back asleep and wake up at noon and that’s when the depression hit me like a train. I couldn’t get out of bed. I had no motivation and I was completely and utterly exhausted even though I had slept a total of 12 hours. Immediately my mind goes to the fact that I have to be to work at 3:00 and I already know it’s not a possibility.
I go back downstairs and suggest to my mom that my allergies are really bad and I’m just getting used to a shift in my sleep schedule because I work second shift now. This is a complete lie because I’m the opposite of a morning person and wake up every night around the time most people are starting to feel tired. She knows. “Katie, it’s alright to feel depressed,” she replies. Sleeping and the fact that I am a terrible liar are the most obvious signs of my depression. I call out of work because I know I cannot turn, lift and enlighten patients with how I feel today. So I lie in bed, feeling terrible about calling out, because depression is not considered a sickness to most people.
I would rather be sick with the flu than be in bed with depression. My depression makes me feel hopeless. All day I’ve been questioning whether or not my medicine is working anymore. After so many trial and errors, I feel like giving up. I lie in bed alone all day with no reason or explanation for my family. When you’re sick, at least they want you to lie in bed and get rest. My depression makes me feel empty. As I lie in bed, I can’t even bring myself to try and get up because it’s just not worth it.
My therapist has helped me understand depression’s psychological effects with the comparison that it is like wearing sunglasses. You always see the worst outcome or possibility in terms of future perspective. Everything is always shaded instead of sunny and bright. Even with the psychological reasoning behind depression, the physical symptoms of depression cement this illness into so many individuals. It cements to the point where it effects our everyday lives and we cannot just “get over it.”
If you need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, the Trevor Project at 1-866-488-7386 or text “START” to 741-741. Head here for a list of crisis centers around the world.
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Thinkstock photo via hobo_018