Today Mommy Was Depressed
Today mommy had a bad day. She was anxious and irritable, short tempered and unfair. Mommy snapped at you. Ignored you and yelled. Mommy had no motivation, no ounce of compassion or care for your needs and wants.
Today mommy had anxiety, debilitating and unwavering. It felt as though the world was crumbling around her for no reason at all. The pressure in mommy’s chest felt suffocating, making everyday decisions obstacles to be tackled, obstacles she felt couldn’t be overcome. Today mommy was depressed. It took everything in her to get out of bed this morning and try to function throughout the day. It took every ounce of mommy’s will to get you ready and out the door in time for school. Feeding you felt like a chore. Getting you bathed and dressed felt near impossible. I know you saw it, the sadness in mommy’s eyes. I know this because you asked what was wrong with mommy, in your concerned sweet 4-year-old voice.
Today mommy doubted everything. Her ability to overcome the sadness, her resolve in surviving the day. Each and every moment felt heavy, and full of pain.
Today mommy failed at being kind and compassionate, loving and patient. She knows the calm, loving, understanding mother you usually have was replaced today by an angry, heartbroken woman who looked like your mommy, but didn’t act like her. Mommy was less than perfect, and for that I am sorry.
Today mommy cried, alone after you had gone to school. She cried for you. For the look in your eyes when she snapped at you over a few toys left on the floor. She cried for you, for yelling over the accident you had as we were walking out the door. Today mommy cried, alone, after you had gone to school for the look of hurt on your face, the quiver in your voice. Today mommy cried, for all her shortcomings.
But today Mommy faced the day. Today mommy was brave beyond measure. Today mommy stayed in a world she couldn’t bear to be part of. Today mommy raised her head, not so high, and pushed forward trying her best to make it through each second of every minute, every minute of every hour. Today mommy tried her hardest. It wasn’t nearly enough but it was all she could do. Today mommy tried to be patient though she failed many times. Today mommy tried to be the mommy you need, the mommy you deserve.
Today mommy loved you, as much as she had yesterday and as much as she will tomorrow. While it was hard for her to show, she felt it, pushing back against the sadness in her heart.
Today mommy had a bad day, a day that made her feel like breaking. But she didn’t. Tonight as mommy tucked you into bed she felt proud. Proud of making it through the day, proud of surviving. Tonight, as mommy kissed you goodnight, she thanked the moon and stars for you and your unconditional love. Today mommy made it through, and she has you to thank for that.
If you need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or text “START” to 741-741.
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