I Was Diagnosed With Fibromyalgia Two Months Before My Wedding
For months I was in indescribable pain that waxed and waned but never entirely lessened its grip on my body. I’m 24 but feel much older as I try to come to terms with my new lifestyle. I refuse to say boundaries because I’d rather view this as a chance to live more creatively instead of with more limits. I am still grieving my old health of course, and discovering this before my wedding doesn’t help.
I used to run track and averaged four miles per day. Now my four miles is sometimes just a walk to the bathroom and back to the couch. For a while this left me in tears and still does on occasion, like when my spine feels as if it is on fire. But then I’ll get out some paint my best friend lets me use and a new canvas and dive into a new piece of art. I’ll write a new poem or I’ll watch some crappy romantic comedy. Whatever helps my soul feel alive in this body that sometimes feels dead. It’s not really dead, and while I’ve just begun pain management and still hurt and will still have flares, I’m confident that between my creativity and loving support system I’ll get through this.
I’m terrified I won’t be able to walk down the aisle in less than two months (I mean literally, physically walk) but even if I have to be wheeled in my wheelchair, I’m going to make it to the end of that aisle and marry my other half. I was afraid this diagnosis made me unlovable, but it showed me who deserves my limited time. By limited I mean some days all I have in me is an hour energy-wise before I need rest. And that’s OK.
I still deserve love, and it took one of my lowest moments to bring this realization to light. Sinking to rock bottom showed me who would be at my side helping me find the light again and it gave me a new foundation to build up from.
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Thinkstock photo via JenAphotographer.