I Can’t Always Give. I Need Help, Too
I smile, I laugh, I even I crack jokes. I make people feel good about themselves, and let them know I am there to help them whenever they feel like they need someone to turn to.
I was there. I supported, I comforted, I helped and I gave assurance.
I was there. I was always there.
But inside, I needed help, too. I needed someone to tell me everything was going to be OK, that someone was there to support me, to comfort me and give me assurance. I needed that too. I guess they didn’t know though.
Every morning I wake up thinking, “Why do I have to start another day of faking everything, again? Didn’t I do enough yesterday?”
I am alone. At least I feel alone. It has been eating away at me. I want to run, scream at the top of my lungs and cry until I cannot cry anymore.
I feel tired, even if I sleep for 10 hours or more. I feel cold inside. I felt numb, breathless, like I am drowning from the inside out. Sometimes I walk aimlessly, because I feel lost, like everything I know has suddenly disappeared in front of me.
I cry myself to sleep each night, praying that I don’t have to do it all again tomorrow. I choke from the huge lump I feel in my throat whenever I think about how helpless I feel. I rock my own body to somehow thaw the ice that is at my core.
When I dream, I dream about falling down a dark void, but I never land. I always wake up, drenched in my own sweat, the hairs in my body standing. I try to sleep again and end up following the same excruciating pattern.
I start the day again. It’s always the same as yesterday. Thoughts are gnawing at my brain, eating at me bit by painful bit. My hands feel numb all day long, and my knees feel weak. I don’t stare at anything for too long. I come back to reality when I feel a tear crawling down my cheek.
Then I think about how the people around me would live if I weren’t here. Would they be happy? Would there be any changes at all if I wasn’t alive? Would their lives be better off without me?
I tried to escape, to go to places far away, where no one knew me, where I was free to do anything I wanted to; places where I can feel the wind in my face and forget that, for most of my life, I’ve felt nothing. That is why I loved taking breaks.
I did everything I’ve always wanted to do, and I didn’t waste a single minute. I fought to keep the thoughts away, and during these breaks, I win.
I filled my mind with things I wanted to think about; things that made me feel like everything was going fine, that there were no problems. I filled my mind with happy thoughts, like being free, which I realize are just illusions.
Was it so bad to feel happy and carefree for a short while? Was it a sin to get out and not think of anything for a day or two?
I wish I could feel like many other people do. I want to be free. I also want to do the things I want to do. I also want to be the things many other people want to be. I don’t want to feel tired anymore. I don’t like feeling useless and judged. I don’t want to be alone anymore.
Yes, I smile, I laugh, and I even crack jokes; but deep down inside I am lost.
Is it too much to ask?
Is it too much to ask to be free from this?
Is it too much to ask for more breaks from this life that I have been living in for so long?
Is it too much to ask to feel happy?
Is it too much to ask for someone to help me?
I deserve to be happy.
I need help, too.
There are a lot of us who need help; a lot of us who try to be OK, when we know in reality, we are not always OK. A lot of us who try to be genuinely happy, when we know we have thoughts of hopelessness. A lot of us who try to be like some others — carefree and at ease, when we know that living like that feels almost impossible. We need help, too. But it’s hard for us to ask for it because we are scared of getting rejected, we are scared of getting judged and we are scared of being ignored. It’s hard. It’s hard living in the shadows of our own lives.
All we want is for you to look at us, look at who we really are, and not our mistakes. Look at us with eyes free from bias, so that we may reveal our totality as one with everybody else. We want you to see us in a different light, for we have been living in the dark for too long, we forgot how it feels to live under bright skies. And we want you to care.
If you need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, the Trevor Project at 1-866-488-7386 or text “START” to 741-741. Head here for a list of crisis centers around the world.
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Thinkstock image via ipuwadol