The Weariness I Feel With Chronic Illness
Today is another day full of weariness. It’s so much more than being tired or even exhausted.
I woke up feeling flat and not long after that I had an asthma flare-up! That explained why I was feeling flat. This is the second flare-up in 10 days. I am over this! That is my weariness.
Weariness means “a complete depletion of energy or strength.” Synonyms include burnout, collapse, exhaustion, frazzle, lassitude, prostration, tiredness, fatigue. Every one of these words is an apt description of what I feel. I googled and couldn’t really find anything about this weariness and chronic illness. There’s lots about fatigue, but this is different. It is a lassitude, a not wanting to or being able to fight on, total depletion, an emptiness, finding it so hard and so tiresome to deal with every day, and every day is different health-wise. Today I feel so overwhelmed by the constancy of chronic illness.
I felt like spending the whole day curled up in bed. But with asthma, that’s not really an option as I need to sit up. Yes, I am frazzled. No one wants chronic illness in their life. No one wants the 24/7 impact of being ill.
I had plans for today and they didn’t have a chance of being carried out. That’s what you have to learn to accept with chronic illness. About the only thing I feel I can expect is for the unexpected to happen!
It’s so easy to fall into self-pity. That’s not what I am talking about. It is a weariness with the relentlessness of my asthma. Then the “Why?” gets asked and there really isn’t any answer. For all I know this attack might have been triggered by the phase of the moon!
Yes, it is a bit like burnout too. The weariness isn’t just physical, it’s mental too. The constant drain on my energy in juggling all these balls I have to juggle to stay as well as possible! That is wearying!
The total unpredictable mess of asthma is wearying too. I never know from one day to the next how well I am going to be and thus what I will be able to do. Each flare-up takes a toll. I become physically tired, I have little energy and I have the shakes from the asthma drugs.
Weariness will be a struggle for me as chronic illness is always present. Weariness is just one more facet to deal with.
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Thinkstock photo via Silmairel.