What It's Like to Be in an 'On-Again, Off-Again' Relationship With Depression

We met when I was 14 years old — about five years ago. I don’t remember the exact date, but it doesn’t really matter.

So what it is like to date Depression?

Well, Depression gets jealous often. It doesn’t like it when I watch movies with my friends or when I play board games with my mom.

The weird thing is, it never leaves, no matter what I do.

In a strange, twisted way, it’s comforting to know if I ever get lost, depression will always be there to sweep me back into its arms.

Depression gets mad and accuses me of cheating like, all the time. I explain that my happy pills try to keep me company when I get lonely, but as a result, Depression throws a fit and uses harsh words to make me feel guilty.

It makes a fuss out of nothing. It says something like, “Stop betraying me.” Then it threatens to make me cry, and often succeeds.

Our relationship is toxic, I know that. I just can’t get away from it. Perhaps I don’t try hard enough. Or maybe deep down, I don’t even want to think about trying.

I’m simply too afraid of change.

As soon as the moon rises and the stars start to shine, Depression joins me in bed. Most nights, I can’t fall asleep. And so Depression invites Anxiety over.

Together, they’re quite the team. They ask me to do certain things, convince me that watching Netflix until 2 a.m. will make me feel better and sometimes, when I’m too tired to fight, I give in and do as they say.

My long-term relationship with Depression is not going anywhere. My family doctor, my loving parents and especially my friends, have tried to make me realize that.

They tried to break us up many times. They failed. We’re still together, better than ever.

We have an “on-again off-again” relationship, it’s true. But we’re working on it.

I think eventually I’ll become more independent.

I really hope so.

If you or someone you know needs help, visit our suicide prevention resources page.

If you need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or text “START” to 741-741.

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Thinkstock photo via berdsigns.

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