Why I'm Flaunting My Bruises From My Medical Treatments
Flashback to a warm summer night in May, the night before my wedding. I was a nervous wreck. Not because I was having cold feet or second thoughts, but because I wanted everything to be perfect. My best friends were in the basement with my aunt and mother helping to prep the wedding flowers, my wedding dress was being hung on the door so it wouldn’t get wrinkled, and my dad was working on creating the best father-daughter dance song.
Everything was looking perfect, except me.
Here I was, the night before my wedding, with an IV pole in my left hand and a needle to put in my stomach in my right hand. I needed to give myself as much medication as possible to make it through my wedding day. I looked in the mirror with frustration. Sure, I could hide these things from everyone at the wedding, everything except the bruises on my arms. I didn’t want anyone at the wedding to see the bruises because I didn’t want to be asked the inevitable, “How’d you get those bruises?” I didn’t want to tell them that I had sepsis from my port, then a peripherally inserted central catheter (PICC) line to treat the sepsis, and eventually got a blood clot and had to give myself shots for weeks to be cured. I especially didn’t want to tell them all of that on the greatest day of my life.
The port was supposed to be my saving grace. I was finally able to get saline infusions to treat my dysautonomia whenever I needed to! But, it failed on me, and now I had something to show for it. I called the photographer right away to beg him to edit my bruises out of each and every photo. I didn’t want to be reminded of it. He promised he would and I finally breathed a sigh of relief. Things were going to be perfect. I covered my arms with as much make-up as I could without looking orange and enjoyed my wedding.
I got the photos a few weeks after the wedding. Sure enough, there it was. A nice round bruise in almost every picture. I was heartbroken. I didn’t want to share these photos with anyone because it was just going to make me relive all the hospital treatments all over again. Even if it looked small or unnoticeable, I saw it. I never want to look sick or look like I have something wrong because I try way too hard to convince myself that I’m not. But, it’s not true. I am sick, but I am a warrior. I have spent my life hiding from my multiple illnesses because I care too much of what people think of me. I don’t want to be known as weak or a failure at life. I am the opposite of that. I push through everything that comes my way because I want to make the best of this life I have been given. And I do!
This weekend, I had pictures taken of my new little family. I have been blessed with a beautiful baby girl and want to remember every moment of it. Because I have had a blood clot in the past, I have to take the shots all over again after labor. This time, I’m not afraid to show the bruise on my arm. I didn’t even mention it to the photographer. I want to flaunt the bruise. I want everyone to know that I made it through a tough pregnancy, I made it through a tough labor, and I am excelling through motherhood because I am strong and I am brave. I will not let my illnesses take over my life. I get to live my life to the fullest with my beautiful family. I have never felt better and I couldn’t be happier.
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