The Symptom That Goes Hand-in-Hand With My Depression

I was just laying in bed with my husband, when I got a sudden feeling of “awakeness.” I told him I wasn’t tired and that I was probably going to go do the dishes. He immediately knew what that meant. “Why aren’t you tired? Are you depressed?”

His questions instantly made me cry. I’m so not willing to admit I am already depressed again. I have spent the past year, being absolutely consumed with it. Sure, I had those “good days” here and there, but most of it was just a mask. I consider myself to be “high-functioning,” so a lot of people don’t even know I’m depressed. I have been depression-free for a little over a week, and I’m just not ready for it to be stripped from me.

But I only experience insomnia when I’m depressed. The two always go hand-in-hand. Never, ever fails.

You see, I saw a Facebook “memory” yesterday about my daddy. My daddy lost his battle to depression 18 months ago. Seeing something happy about him, threw me backwards, with immense force. I busted out the wellness tools, to no avail. My mask game was so strong, I even had myself convinced that it wasn’t going to happen. It’s most definitely happened. I successfully fought it off yesterday and most of today, but now, I’m sinking — fast.

I stayed in bed, in a state of denial. I impatiently waited for my husband to fall asleep, so I could go cry alone. He held me and said all the right things, but that solo crying time is so important for me. That is when all the depression magic happens. That ugly cry that soothes my soul. That much needed breakdown, after holding it together for almost two whole days.

A week of actual happiness and having the will to live, is not nearly long enough. Especially when you’ve just returned from an extended stay in the “Darkness Inn and Suites.” I’m desperately grasping at the rim, trying not to fall back into that black hole. The black hole that will eventually turn into poor hygiene and questioning my existence. I hate this, but it’s all I know anymore. I do not want to go back to that yet. It’s just too soon.

I’m about to wash my dishes, and think of nothing but those dishes. The sponge will be my saving grace and I will forget my brain is an asshole, if only for a little while. Perhaps a nice zoning out session will snap me out of this. I will eventually find my sleep and get some rest.

Tomorrow is fresh. Tomorrow will be better. I hope.

If you or someone you know needs help, visit our suicide prevention resources page.

If you need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or text “START” to 741-741.

We want to hear your story. Become a Mighty contributor here.

Thinkstock photo via openeyed11.

Find this story helpful? Share it with someone you care about.

Related to Depression

Loneliness. Young woman alone standing at the beach

What I Want the People I Love to Know on My Dark Days With Depression

The main thing about depression is, it affects everybody differently. Everyone is different. Every brain is different. Every time is different. For me, sometimes I just sob. I sob for hours, I can’t breathe and the pain in my chest feels like it will crush me it’s so overwhelming. Other times, I just fucking hate myself. I hate [...]
Illustration of woman standing with umbrella in the rain

When Depression Crashes Down Again

I had a couple weeks where everything in my life seemed nearly manageable. I knew my depression was there, I knew my anxiety was there, and I knew I still wasn’t sleeping great. But everything seemed like I was getting a hold of it. I was getting up in the morning, I was doing little [...]
Woman washing her hair in the shower

The Small Act That Made Me Realize I Was Healing From Depression

If you walked past me on the street, you probably wouldn’t think I’ve battled and beaten depression and that I’m still fighting anxiety and post-traumatic stress disorder today. I mean, I’m 17. People don’t always think kids my age could ever deal with all those mental illnesses. But yes, we do. Honestly, it’s a constant, [...]
image of man kissing woman's arm with self-harm scars and tattoo

Unconditional: How Love Is Possible, Even With Mental Illness

Editor’s note: If you live with an eating disorder, experience suicidal thoughts or have lost someone to suicide, the following post could be potentially triggering. You can contact the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741. For eating disorders, you can contact the Crisis Text Line by texting “NEDA” to 741-741. I was 12 [...]