5 Reasons Why I Stopped Going to Therapy for My Bipolar Disorder
I got my first hint that I might be ready to stop therapy when I realized how little I was going. Over the years I have scaled down from weekly sessions to biweekly.
Then I noticed, I’d been going about once a month. I’d been forgetting appointments, showing up on the wrong day, oversleeping or having too much freelance work to do. Of course, those also could have looked like signs I was in denial, resisting therapy or that we’d hit a bad patch of difficult issues and I just didn’t want to deal with them.
But I don’t think that’s what’s happened. Here’s why:
1. I’m stabilized on my medications and they’re effective.
When my psychiatrist moved away, he left me with refills and a list of other psychiatrists. My primary care physician agreed to prescribe my psychotropics if I lined up another psychiatrist for emergencies. I did that, though I couldn’t get an appointment for months.
And that doesn’t alarm me. I don’t have the oh-my-god-what-if-my-brain-breaks-again panics. I don’t have the feeling my brain is about to break again. I’ve thought about it, and I’m comfortable with letting my involvement with the psychiatric profession fade into the background of my life.
As long as I keep getting my meds.
2. I have more good days and I’m beginning to trust them.
Oh, I still question whether I’m genuinely feeling good, happy and productive or whether I’m merely riding the slight high of hypomania. But really? It doesn’t seem to matter very much. A little while ago I reflected on a string of particularly good days — when I accomplished things, enjoyed my hobbies and generally felt content. And I simply allowed myself to bask in those feelings.
That’s not to say I don’t still have bad days. After a few days of hypomania, I hit the wall, look around for spoons, don’t find any and require mega naps to restore me. (I’m intensely grateful I work at home and can do that. Most offices don’t appreciate finding an employee snoring underneath her desk. And my cat-filled bed is much more comfy cozy.)
I still get low days too, but they are noticeably dysthymic rather than full out, sobbing-for-no-reason, pit-of-despair type lows that last seemingly forever. I know — really know — deep within me, they will last a day or two at the most. And just that knowledge makes me feel a little bit better.
3. My creativity, concentration and output are improving.
I can work longer, read longer, write longer, take on new projects, think past today or even next week. I can trust my muse and my energy, if not immediately when I call on them, at least within a reasonable time.
4. I have trouble remembering how bad it used to be.
I’ve made connections with several online support groups for bipolar and mental health. I find I’m astonished at the crises, the outpourings of misery, the questioning of every feeling and circumstance, the desperate drama of even the most mundane interactions. They are overwhelming. But I realized it’s been a long time since they’ve overwhelmed me. I recognize I could some day be in that place again — that’s the nature of this disorder. But I have a good support system I trust to help me not fall too far without a net.
5. I don’t have much to talk about when I go to therapy.
There are issues I need to work on — getting older, getting out of the house more, reclaiming my sexuality. But most of those I feel competent to work out on my own. My sessions are mostly an update on what’s going on in my life at the moment, plus a recap of my recurring problems. But those problems are ones I’ve faced before and know how to cope with. I already have the tools I need and use them without needing a reminder.
So I’ve talked it over with my psychotherapist and I’m stopping therapy. I know if and when the bipolar starts giving me major trouble again, I can always call for an appointment or a telephone therapy session.
I’m not going to stop writing blogs. I still have a lot to say about where I’ve been, how I’ve got to where I am now, how things will go in the future and all the many ways mental illness affects society and vice versa. I’m sticking around.
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Thinkstock photo via fizkes.