What I Need You to Know If You're Trying to Comfort Me
To the person trying to comfort me:
You say, “It will all get better,” but when I do not know how I will make it through today, that can be so hard to believe. There is a part of me that desperately wants to hear you and know that what you are saying is true, but my anxiety is so strong I cannot help but doubt it. And reminding me to breathe can only help so much because lots of the brokenness lies beneath the surface.
I know I am lucky to have you and that is why I apologize so frequently. I am afraid you might leave me because all of this is too much for you to deal with. I know you always tell me it’s all OK and you don’t care and you just want me to be OK, but I cannot help but feel like you are lying to me because my anxiety wants me to think everyone hates me.
I can be a mess. I won’t try to deny it because it’s easier to accept this way. And sometimes I feel like my struggles greatly outweigh my blessings. No matter how much you remind me that all of this cannot last forever, I will still forget that the struggles have to end eventually.
I know I can talk to you about anything, but sometimes a text isn’t enough. There might be times when I don’t want to talk at all. There might be times when all I want is to hear your voice because it is so hard to calm down when the voices in my head are louder than the world around me. Most of the time it can be hard to hear you calling my name because I have let the voices get so loud.
I am struggling with myself and against myself and I’m still trying to stay afloat. I am unsure of the future, a fight against the waves that are trying to pull me under, and I think I lost touch with who I really am. I don’t know where I want to go tomorrow or five years from now, so it makes sense I have no idea how to possibly get there.
Uncertainty is my greatest enemy and right now I am fighting it alone and I think I lost part of myself in the battle. I am afraid of change and I don’t know what that means for the future, but I do know that, whatever happens, I want to have you by my side.
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Thinkstock photo via Wavebreakmedia Ltd