When Borderline Personality Disorder Makes You Feel Numb
I am borderline.
For me, what that means is that I react with emotions full-force, or not at all. Which is mostly the latter of the two. There is no in-between. All or nothing. Even when it’s nothing, I feel that absolutely to my core.
This is the other side of the spectrum of borderline personality disorder (BPD) — the side that is rarely talked about. The side that makes you feel like nothing. A doll. Robot. Whatever.
You see, there are two minds, and when they come together that is when you have a wise mind. But being borderline, for me, the two never really overlap. You have the emotional mind and the logical mind. I lean more towards the logical end of the spectrum. Which means, for me, I go numb — absolutely, unchangeably and utterly numb. I can go days like this, where I don’t have a care in the world. Where emotional reactions do not affect me. And yet, I feel it. I feel it so deeply that I need to do something to de-numb myself. Dissociation. This fog of numbing and surreal reality takes over, walking through each day to just get to the next. Things that normally would cause emotional reactions are just things to me. I respond without emotion — robotic, logical and cold.
Everyone usually talks about how being borderline means to feel everything so much all at once, but what about the exact opposite? This is borderline too. To feel nothing, absolutely nothing but the numb and cold down to my fingertips and toes.
No, I get both. But it’s usually the numbness that takes over, more so than not. Robotic. Cold. Unfeeling. Non-human.
Going through days until it’s too much. I need to feel something other than nothing. Snap back to reality. Self-harm, and be consumed with the tidal wave of emotions that come after.
No, nobody usually talks about this side of the spectrum.
Because who doesn’t want to feel non-human… right?
If you struggle with self-harm and you need support right now, call the crisis hotline at 1-800-273-8255 or text “START” to 741-741. For a list of ways to cope with self-harm urges, click here.
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Thinkstock photo via matrixnis