The Truth Behind the Lies I Tell as Someone With BPD

Editor’s note: If you experience suicidal thoughts or have lost someone to suicide, the following post could be potentially triggering. You can contact the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741.

To the person at the grocery store asking me, “How are you?” to the friend on the phone asking me about my day, to the concerned boss wondering how life is going outside of work. I need to tell you something… I lie.

I lie when I tell you I’m “fine.” I am not fine, but I don’t want to burden you with my thousands of little anxious thoughts popping up simultaneously in my head while I try to function as a “normal” human being.

Tired? I’m not tired. But if I told you my body feels as though my soul has left it and that I’m just a shell filled with darkness and memories of every single time I failed at picking myself back up from the cold floor I lay on, would you listen? I mean, how does everyone make everyday life look so easy?

The other day you asked me what I did on my day off. If I told you I spent hours searching the internet for ways I could end my life because this shell of a body feels so empty and heavy at the same time, could you take it? Probably not.

So instead, I answered you with the same old robotic response: “I didn’t do much,” leaving out the part where I called the suicide hotline three times just to hear a stranger tell me I am not alone, while I whisper to myself, “Yes I am.”

I am a liar.

I lie to protect you from the reality of my inner dark secrets. I lie because I don’t want to destroy the image you have of me. What if you knew that I am not the funny, confident person I let the world think I am? What if you knew how I can’t look myself in the mirror without feeling like my body is nothing but an object used to satisfy the monsters that live on our streets?

What if you knew the truth behind my lies?

If you or someone you know needs help, visit our suicide prevention resources page.

If you need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or text “START” to 741-741.

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Thinkstock photo via Marzacz.

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